Jokes

Why doesn’t psychotherapy work on men? “They don’t have to go back to their childhood.”

I see said the blind man to his deaf wife, over a disconnected telephone in a dark room, looking for a black cat that wasn't even there.

A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender, “I’d like a beer please, and one for the road.”

A Skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer and give me a mop.”

A young guy at a bar: “Hey, bartender. Pour me a cold one.” “Hey, go on, kid, you wanna get me in trouble?” “Maybe later. Right now I just wanna a beer.”

An antartian walks into a bar down south around Christmastime; and there’s a little nativity scene on the bar. And the guy says, “That’s a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are wearing firemen’s hats?” And the bartender says, “Well, it says right there in the Bible…. The three wise men came from a fire.”

A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm and says, “I’d like a beer please, and one for the road.”

Why do black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

A woman was sleeping in her bed when her husband crashing through the front door at 3 am waked her up. He staggered and tried to get up the stairs, " what are you doing" she shouted, the husband replies " I’m trying to get a gallon of beer up the stairs" "leave it down there" she bellowed "I cant" he replied " I’ve drunk it".

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.

A man was explaining to a friend how he managed to get home the previous night. " I was doing just fine until I turned into my driveway", he said. "And then what happened?" "Someone stepped on my hands!"

Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. “Yeah,” said Rob, “would you marry someone who didn’t know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?” “ No way in hell” said the bartender. “Well, said Rob, “neither would my fiancée.”

Dr. Burns was disgusted when Frank staggered into his office thoroughly inebriated. He looked at him severely. “What happened, Frank? I thought we were going to lick this problem by cutting you down to just two drinks a day.” Frank dragged a finger across his chest. “Cross my heart, doc, I—I did as you asked.” “Impossible. If you had, you wouldn’t be in this shape.” “No, honestly!” Frank replied. “In fact, when I left here the other day. I went to another doctor for a second opinion – and he prescribed the same thing!”

A drunken man walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change. The meter goes up to sixty and he says, "Hey, I lost 100 pounds!"

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, "You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Approaching the woman at a single’s bar, the young man said, “Hi cookie. How about a date?” “Forget it,” she said. “I never go out with a perfect stranger.” “We are both in luck,” he said. I’m far from perfect.”

A policeman finds someone crawling on all fours in the middle of the street. The cop approaches him and asks him, "What on earth do you think you’re doing?" The man on the floor replies, “I’ve lost it." The policeman asks him curiously, "lost what?" The man on the floor answers, "well (hiccup) my balance sir."

A giraffe walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Do you want a longneck?" The giraffe replied, “Do I have a choice?"

One day a string was walking down the street. He was really thirsty and decided to get a drink at a nearby bar. So he walks up to the bar tender and says, "I'd like a beer, please." The bartender looks at him like he's crazy and says, "I can't serve you, you're a string. Go on. Get out of here." So the string goes outside and thinks of a way to look more like a person. He knots himself toward the top and frays the string to look like a head with hair. He goes back inside and tries again. The bartender says suspiciously, "Hey, aren't you the string that was just in here a few minutes ago?" The string replies, "I'm afraid not!" (I'm a frayed knot

A man was well inebriated, but he got behind the wheel of his car anyway and began to drive home. Of course, he couldn't exactly drive straight or stay below the speed limit. Two policemen pulled him over and demanded a sobriety test. They asked him to walk a straight line, and he failed. They began to take him with them, but suddenly they received a call on their walkie-talkies, asking them to go to another part of town. They asked the man to be patient while they called someone else to cover for them. But the man grew tired of waiting and, after a few minutes, drove home. He got in bed and said to his wife, who had been waiting for him, "If any policemen come looking for me, tell them I'm not home yet." The wife agreed, somewhat confused and a little embarrassed. No sooner than her husband fell asleep did she hear a knock at the door. Sure enough, it was the two policemen. They asked about her husband, and she replied that he wasn't home. Then they asked to check her garage. Puzzled, she agreed. She opened up the garage for them--and there sat the policemen's squad car, lights still flashing.

A man walks into a bar with a Giraffe, and sits down at the bar. He says to the barman, "One pint for me and ten for the Giraffe". The barman gives the man and the Giraffe their drinks and then the Giraffe downs them all in on go. The Giraffe then says, "More" The barman give the Giraffe ten more pint the same. The Giraffe does the same thing again, and downs them all at once. The Giraffe then collapses on the floor and the man gets up to walk out. The barman says, "you can't leave that 'lying' here", and the man says,” It’s not a Lyon, It's a Giraffe"!

A man walks into a pub, and approaches the bar. He orders a pint and looks down to see a bowl of peanuts on the counter. He decides to eat one, when he picks it up and goes to put it in his mouth the peanut says, "Hello handsome!" So he puts the peanut down in astonishment. He decides to try one more time and yet again the peanut talks, "Oh you are gorgeous!" Well as you can imagine he was really stunned. He then decides to go over to buy some cigarettes from the dispenser. He drops money in the machine and it spits it out and tells him, "Go away ugly!" This really shocked the man so he goes up to the barman and says, "Why is it that when I pick up the peanuts from the bar they are really nice to me, yet when I try to get some cigarettes from the machine it tells me I'm ugly?" "Well," the barman begins, "the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order!"

In a greasy spoon, a downhearted diner asked the waitress for meatloaf and some kind words. She brought the meatloaf but didn’t say a thing. “Hey,” he said, “what about my kind word?” She replied, “Don’t eat the meatloaf.”

A businesswoman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her. “Hi, honey,” he says. “Want a little company?” “Why?” asks the woman? “Do you have one to sell?

Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Gus the bartender sees a mushroom entering his bar. Gus says,” We don't serve mushrooms here. Try the one next door." But the Mushroom refuses,” You have the best beer. Besides I'm fungus." (I'm fun Gus)

One mighty fine morning a string walks into a bar. The bartender says,” We Don't want any strings." "I guess I will have to find a more understanding bartender." So the next day the same string walks into the same bar and says,” I want just one shot of Beer: original. "NOOOO!" The string gets kicked out and thinks up scheme so sinister it is worth a try. He comes back later used up of thinking, with frayed ends and a knot in his belly, made by himself. The bartender asked: "Aren't you that same string that came in here 2- days in a row?" "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." Says the string

A man walks into a pub and he asks the barman for a pint. All of a sudden he notices Vincent Van Gogh over the other side of the bar. The man asks, "Do you wanna pint, mate?" and Van Gogh says, "No thanks, I've got one ear!"

A long time drunk was lying in his hospital bed, still groggy from the effects of his recent operation. His doctor came in looking very glum. "I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking." "All right," said the patient. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

Two strings go into a bar and ask for a drink each. The Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't let strings drink here." The two strings leave and go into another bar and ask for a drink each. The Bartender of this bar says, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to let strings drink." One of the strings gives up. The other bashes himself into walls, winds himself up, and rubs against the carpet. When the string goes into the bar, he asks for a drink. The Bartender says, "Sure! By the way, you haven't seen a couple of strings walking around, have you?" The string replies, "Sorry! I'm afraid not!" (A frayed knot)