Jokes

Q: Why do bees hum? A: They don't know the words.

Did you hear about the horse that has made a dozen films? He's not a star though, he just does bit parts!

Q: Where do baby apes sleep A: In apricots

Q: What do bees comb their hair with? A: A honey comb!

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites. 1. Cats are covered in body hair. 2. Cats don’t listen. 3. Cats don’t come in when you call. 4. Cats stay out all night. 5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

So this is what I would do if I found this kitten: I would take her and I would shave her and I would dye her purple and I'd put little leather pants on her and I'd teach her to talk somehow -- I don't know how -- and I'd bring her back, and I'd be like, 'Here's Fluffy!' And they'd be like, 'What happened?' And I'd say, 'Oh ba-da-da-da-da -- sorry, I believe the little flyer here said no questions asked.'

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Just been thrown out of my local zoo! I went there to watch feeding time but after 3 hours of hanging around the mother and baby toilets the security guards started to get suspicious.

How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end smiles.

What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum kit.

Q: What weighs 2,000 pounds and lays at the bottom of the ocean? A: Moby's d**k.

Q: What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? A: ‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!

Animals are lucky, they f*ck where they want with out going to jail.

I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.” The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead” he replied. “How can you be so sure?” she protested, “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£300!” she cried. “£300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!” The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £40.” “But with the Lab report and the Cat scan, It all adds up.”  

When is a farmer like a magician? When he turns his cow into pasture.

What does a gay horse eat? Heeeeyyy.

One of my mates told me that he has a pregnant rabbit. It has an ingrown hare,

What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses? If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

What does a spider do when he gets angry? He goes up the wall!

Q: What does a fish use to get high? A: Seaweed.

How do elephants hide in the jungle? Paint their balls red and pretend they are cherries! What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Monkeys eating cherries...

A midget with a lisp goes to a farmer to buy a horse. He looks over the horse to inspect it, and says to the farmer, "I'd like to sthee its teeth." So the farmer picks him up to give him a view of the teeth. Then, the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its ears." Again, the farmer picks him up to view the horses ears. Then the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat." "Excuse me?" says the farmer. The midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat." So the farmer picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's twat. The midget's legs are flailing violently, and he’s screaming in there, so the farmer pulls him out and puts him down. The midget looks at the farmer and says, "I think I'll rephrase that, I'd like to sthee it run."

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to be still and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe." Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl. The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are." The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?" The psychic says, "In biology class."

Genesis 1:13 “And on the 3rd day God created the land for all the animals to share but he decided to make a special piece of land called Antarctica just for penguins because he liked them and thought they were cute.”

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was one problem. The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table,” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?” The magician was furious, but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, “OK, I give up. Where’s the fcuking ship?”

Have you seen the offices of the RSPCA? It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there.