Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a centipide with a parrot? A: A walkie-talkie.

What do tigers wear in bed? Stripey pyjamas.

Q. Why did the man cross the road? A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Patty was sitting in her back yard digging a hole to bury her dead goldfish. Mrs. Johnson, who lived next door, was watching her over the fence. Mrs. Johnson said, "Patty, what are you doing?" Patty said, "I'm digging a hole to bury my dead goldfish." Mrs. Johnson said, "Patty, don't you think that hole is a little BIG for a goldfish?" Patty said, "No...it's inside your damn cat!"

Q. Why did the zebra beat the horse at chess? A. Because it’s a-frican genius.

What Did The Buffalo Say To His Son When He Left For College? Bison.

Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)

How to give a cat a pill. 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water. 8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

Q: What is black white and rolls around in the sand? A: A black man and a segal fighting over a carp.

What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day? A forty-carrot wedding ring.

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner, “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on “Ok, got it. ” the homeowner replied. “But whats that shotgun for? “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the Chihuahua. “

Q: What's the difference between a man and a pig? A: There's a difference?

Cool Morals: 1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa. 2. One should love animals. They are tasty too. 3. Save water. Drink beer. 4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick. 5. Books are holy. So don't touch them. 6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught. 7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

Q: How did the frog die? A: He Kermit suicide.

A bear walks into a bar in Boise, Idaho and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise.” The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise!” The bear, very angry now, says “if you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender, once again says “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise.” The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise that are on drugs.” The bear says; “I’m not on drugs.” The bartender says, “yes you are, that was a barbitchyouate.”

What would you hear at a cow concert? Moo-sic!

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos: 1. The whole thing all at once. 2. One bite at a time 3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards. 4. In little feverous nibbles. 5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...). 6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie. 7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. 10.I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos. Your Personality: 1. The whole thing: This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with his or her children. 2. One bite at a time: You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal. 3. Slow and Methodical: You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit. 4. Feverous Nibbles: Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good. 5. Dunked: Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction. 6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie: You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior. 7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie: You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside: You enjoy pain. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them: Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately. 10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreos: You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prissy.

‘I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.’ Steven Wright

Are shellfish warm? No they re clammy.

I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later…no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede! He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!” The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

Q: What do porcupines say after they kiss? A: "Ouch."

Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes. The second man said "You don't have time to change shoes. You can't outrun that bear!" The first man said, "I know I can't outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you"!

What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand? Cows-mopolitan!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

A lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the salesman “What’s so special about the parrot ?” Salesman ” this parrot can talk” So the lady asks the parrot ” how do I look?” The parrot replies ” you look like a fcukin slut?” The lady gets pissed off and tells the salesman that its a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it. The salesman tells her to wait for 2 mins. and takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket water. When he pulls the parrot out he says “if you disrespect the lady out there ill soak you in water again” and takes the parrot back outside The salesman asked the lady to ask the parrot another question Lady: “if I come home with one man what would you think?” Parrot: “he’s your husband” Lady: “2 men” Parrot “your husband and his brother” Lady: “3 men”:/ Parrot: “your husband his brother and your brother” Lady :”4 men” Parrot: “bring the fcuking bucket of water I already told you she’s a slut Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) Click to share on Google+ (Opens in new window) Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window) Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window) Related

Did you hear about the aristocratic horse? He was the last of his race!

Q: What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet? A: A Lassie who plays brassie!

We sit down to eat, and a large black bug with a big red blotch starts crawling up my leg. My wife says, 'Kill him.' And I say, 'Are you talking to me or the bug?' She says, 'Rob, kill him.' I say, 'Mary, let him walk off on his own.' And she says, 'Kill him.' And I say, 'Mary, that is a black widow spider. If you don't want to be a white widow yuppie, then shut up!'

90% of dogs in Korea are inbred… like in a sandwich or something.