Jokes

A nude guy was sunbathing at the beach, a little girl comes to him, he covers his private parts with a newspaper. The little girl asks, "hats under there?" So the man answers , "A bird..." The girl goes away & the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a hospital & in alot of pain. A doctor comes up to his bed & asks, 'What happened?' The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach & fell asleep after talking to a little girl." So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they got there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man...? She answers, "I din't do anything to the man, but he was sleeping, I played with his bird, After a while, it spat at me, so i broke its neck, burnt its nest, and smashed all its eggs!"

Q: Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS? A: They can't get the laboratory mice to arse f*ck.

The last time Chuck Norris was hungry, all the dinosaurs suddenly got extinct...

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!

One day a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great!” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. “Hey!” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?” “Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked. “Well,” one of them said, “you see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?” “You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.” The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. “There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.” Well, our furry friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. “That was fantastic,” he panted. “So, are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked. “I’m sorry, I’ve had a great time but I can’t.” The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.” “I do,” our friend replied, “but I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette.”

A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says, "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continues, so finally the man puts the bird in the freezer. About an hour later, the parrot asks the man to please open the door. As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says, "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

How do you go about hiring a horse? Try two pairs of stilts!

Did you hear about the two explorers, Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them? Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals. “If you stand absolutely still and look the lion straight in the eye, he will turn tails and run away,” said Bob. John said, “Fine. You’ve read the book, I’ve read the book, but has the lion read the book?”

What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits home? A search warren.

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways? "Dead."

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus? On squid row.

A black guys is walking through the woods, he starts to hear a sounds. It goes ching chong wu. So he starts to walk to wear he heard the sound. Soon enough he comes across a Chinese guy and a river. The black guy ask was that noise. The Chinese guy say, every time I throw a quarter in this river it tells me a name of an old relative. See watch, Chinese guy throws a quarter, ching chong chun. The black guy says let me try. He throws a quarter in and the river says, chimpanzee.

Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

Q: What do you call a fight between you and your dad? A: Dady issues!

Why did the frog go to the mall? Because he wanted to go hopping.

In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they talk and drive sportscars. An owl enters a psychologist's office. The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?" The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night." The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy. The next night, a cat comes in. He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?" The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy. The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl. The cat is told to wait outside. He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address! During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in. The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl. The cat replies, "He is here!" and poops on the floor, explaining, "I was sent to deliver him."

Q: If a rooster's on top of a barn door and lays an egg, does the egg fall on the north or the south side? A: Roosters don't lay eggs.

You might be a crack head... If your dog weighs more than you do... Here's your sign.

Boy: Have u ever been fishing before Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!

Why does the chicken is sad? Because his dad is a cock. Why does the chicken is even more sad? Because he faces the same future.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."

What does an octopus take on a camping trip? Tentacles.

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?

Q: Why did the moron throw the butter out the window? A: He wanted to see a butterfly.

What do cows like to listen to? Moo-sic.

Great big polar bear(she says what?) It broke the ice!

Hatchling, you put the "ass" in Jurassic.