Jokes

Two drunks are sitting elbow to elbow at a bar. “I wish I knew where I was going to die,” Paul says. “Why?” asks Tom “Because if I knew I would not go there “Paul replied.

Its Mike’s first day on the job as a bartender. As he serves a customer a Manhattan, a piece of parsley falls into the drink. “What the hell is that?” the customer asks. “It’s your Manhattan. And there’s Central Park.” he replied.

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. He asks the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Yes, we do!” “Good. Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

At a bar Tom said to Bill; “Uncle tried to make a new kind of car. He took wheels from a Cadillac, radiator from a Lexus, tires from a Ford” “What did he get? Asked Bill “Two years.” Said Tom

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?" The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood." The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!" The third vampire says "Give me plasma." The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."

A drunk was walking down the sidewalk with a limp. A man coming in the opposite direction notice that he only had one shoe on. The man said to the drunk, "hey buddy, what's the matter, lose a shoe"? The drunk replied, "Nah, found one".

A drunk stumbles up to a woman in a bar and says “Hey baby, how about coming back to my place for a nightcap? “That’ll be the day!” she says ”Well, howzabout having dinner with me tomorrow night then?” “That’ll be the day!” she says “Okay, why don’t we take my corporate jet and spend the weekend in Rome?” “This’ll be the day.” She says

Bob tells Fred: My wife drives me to drink. Fred comments: You’re lucky. I have to walk.

An inebriated man and his drunken friend were sitting at a bar. “Do you know what time it is?” Asked the drunk. “Sure,” said the man “Thanks,” said the drunk.

Did you hear about the baby born in the high-tech delivery room? It was cordless!

A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!" "What's that mean?" asks the girl. "That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast." "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon." What's that?" asked the guy. The girl says, "That's French toast."

Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on." The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on." The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

Two men are drinking in a bar. The first man tries to strike up a conversation with the second, but the second man says, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you; I'm deaf." So the first man pulls out a pad of paper and a pencil, and they get a lively conversation going on paper. Soon a third man joins them, and all three are conversing on paper. By and by the deaf man leaves, and the two hearing men continue their conversation -- on paper.

A turtle was walking through the park when two snails attacked, punched, kicked, and stole his wallet. The police arrived and asked, “What happen to you, were you attacked, were you robbed?” The turtle on his back, bruised, with one eye shut, said "I don't know officer, it happen so Fast"

One man to his friend, what an automated society we live in. Have you ever noticed that when a traffic light turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?”

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers. The bartender asks him why he gets three beers the man told the bartender well one is for me and the other two, for my brothers who live in Texas. The man does this for about a week and one day the man walks in and orders two beers instead of three. The bartender asks him why just two the man said well my wife told me I had to quit drinking but she didn't say anything about my brothers to stop.

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!"

So a Skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Barkeep, I need a beer and a mop"

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "mug or long neck?"

Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?" "You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk. "Whatever, whatever you shay." So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door. "Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last." As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed. "Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Banta. "There's somebody in my bed too!" says Santa. "Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to sleep in the beds!" says Banta. They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor. “ALL RIGHT!!" Santa shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed." "You're lucky," says Banta, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired to fight any more." "Well, never mind," says Santa, "Why don't you just come and share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."

A bear walked into a bar, slapped a $50.00 bill on the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender looked at the $50 bill, then at the bear and said; "I'll be back in a minute." He went to his manager and stated what had just occurred. The manager told him to go back to the bar, give the bear a beer, $.50 change and strike up a conversation. The bartender drew a beer, placed it on the bar, took the $50 bill, tossed fifty cents on the bar and said; "You know we don't get many bears in here". The bear looked at the 50 cents, then at the beer, then said to the bartender; "$49.50 for a beer I can see why!"

An entrepreneurial woman is sitting at a bar a man approaches her and says; hi honey! want a little company? Why? Asks the woman. Do you have one to sell??

At a small pub near to a GP's practice, Dr. Hall who ran the practice used to call into the pub after he'd shut the practice for the night and have an Almond sprinkled Jackory. One particular night, Bill the barman calls the landlord, "Mr. West, we're out of almond, and Dr. Hall's after his almond jackory, anything taste like almond what we could use instead?" Use hickory, the landlord said Bill heads back to the bar, and speaks to Dr. Hill, We're out of almonds, but instead I could give you a "hickory jackory doc."

Guy going home from the pub is stopped at a police checkpoint. A bobby comes over and tells the driver to roll down his window. When he does, the copper is almost knocked over with the smell of alcohol. So he asks: "Have you been drinking, suuur?" (as English cops are wont to say). "Yes", replies the driver. "What did you have exactly, suuuur"? "Well, about seven or eight pints of Guinness, a couple of whiskies, and then one or two night caps in the form of double brandies". The copper pulls out his breathalyzer and says, "Would you mind blowing into this, suuur"? To which the drunk dude retorts: "What for? Do you not believe me?"

A drunk was discovered late at night crawling along the Boardwalk at Atlantic City. A policeman approached him and asked: "What do you think you are doing?" He answered: "Officer, I am going to climb this ladder, if it takes me all night!"

Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!

Two drunks were staggering home along a railway line. “This is the longest staircase I’ve ever climbed, moaned one. “It certainly is,” slurred his body. “And the banister’s so low; my back’s killing me.”

A little man is sitting in a bar when a big guy comes up and says here’s a punch from Japan the little man gets up and the big guy goes here’s a kick from Korea knocking him down the little guy just smiles and goes away 15 minutes later he comes over and knock the guy out cold then he looks at the bartender and says when he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from "Lowes."

"Waiter! Waiter!" said a guy in a restaurant. 5-55 minutes later. "Waiter! Waiter!" said the guy. In the kitchen, "Someone is calling you, sir," said the cook to the waiter. "I know. I'm waiting," said the waiter.

Q: Why was the guys fee free? A: Because he added an "r"