Jokes

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.” Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Pattie explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?” The bank manager looks back at her and says. “It’s a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"

What do you call explosive cow vomit? A cud missle.

I always thought I had a massive cock. Turned out to be an ostrich

The Karate Kid killed caught a fly with two chopsticks, Chuck Norris killed a rhino with one.

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? The rooster clucks defiance.

Friend: Sup bro fight me come one fight me Me: I would fight you but that would be animal abuse

The sky was dark The moon was high All alone just she and I Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what She wanted to do Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine I didn’t know how But I tried my best I started by placing My hands on her breast I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart And when I did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came At last it’s finished It’s all over now My first time ever At milking a cow…..

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.

How do rabbits get to work? By rabbit transit.

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? …. Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the Brown one?… Interviewer: Brown one…. Farmer: A couple of litres per day. … Interviewer: And the black one? … Farmer: A couple of litres per day. … Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? … Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? … Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. … Interviewer: And the other one? … Farmer: Grass. … … Interviewer(now really annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! … … Farmer: Because the black one’s mine…. … Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? … … Farmer: It’s also mine.

Who would win in a fight between a bear and a lion? Answer - neither, Chuck Norris would beat them both with a single round-house-kick.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

A farmer has a talking sheepdog and so as to test the dogs ability sends him up to the top field to count the sheep. The dog returns and says “there are 40 sheep in that field”, the farmer tells the dog that he knows for a fact that there are only 38 sheep in that field. “I know” said the sheepdog “but I rounded them up”!

Murphy is stood outside his house when he spots Paddy walking down the street with a strange animal by his side. “whats that weird looking creature you have there?” he asks “oooohhh” replies Paddy “this is the fiercest dog in Ireland its called a long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog” “We’ll see about that ! i have a Rottweiler, a Doberman and a Pit Bull Terrier in the back yard lets put this long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog of yours to the test” Murphy laughs “I’ll bet you a 100 that my dog can beat all three of them at the same time” says Paddy proudly So they shake on the bet and go to the back yard where the Rottweiller, Doberman and Pit Bull are growling and barking. Murphy opens the gate and the long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog walks in. After a few seconds fur is flying and the dogs are screaming, then silence…… They look into the yard to see the long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog stood alone with no trace of the other three dogs apart from some blood and fur around its mouth. “well you were right Paddy” says Murphy as he’s handing over the ?100 “what did you say it was called again ? a long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog ?” “Yup” replies Paddy “but in other parts of the world they call it a Crocodile!”

Where do Russian cows come from? Moscow.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he'll give him a free beer for an amazing trick. The bartender agrees. The guy pulls out a hamster that begins dancing and singing. "That is amazing!" says the bartender and gives him a beer. "If I show you something else, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees. The guy pulls out a small piano and a frog. The same hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings. The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a large sum, and the man agrees. "Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog." "Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

Q: There is a house. The front is facing south and the back is facing north. The right side is facing west and the left side is facing east. If a rooster lays an egg on top of the house which way will it roll? A: No direction: roosters don't lay eggs.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: "How do you drink water with that?"

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot “Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I’ll break your neck, do you understand?” The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can’t get the case closed. “Get on top and sit on it baby!” Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can’t shut the case. “You get on top baby it might be better” Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says “Ok we’ll both get on top see if that’s any better!” The parrot turns round and says “Neck or no neck I have to see this!”

Birdie, birdie in the sky Dropped some white stuff in my eye, I'm a big girl I won't cry, I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

Did you hear about the man who named his horse Radish?

A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks. The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!" The octopus says, "Play it? If I can figure out how to get it's pajama's off, I'm gonna screw it!"

Q: What's gray and comes in pints? A: An elephant.

How much do I owe Yo' Mama? My dog came home happy last night.

The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

How do you start a teddy bear race? Ready, teddy, go.

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

What do you do with a blue whale? Cheer it up!