Jokes

What do cows usually fly around in? Helicowpters and Bulloons.

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

Through the jongole I am went … On shooting Tiger I am bent Boshtaard Tiger has taken my wife No doubt I will avenge poor darling’s life Too much quiet, snakes and leeches But I not fear these sons of beeches Hearing loud noise I am jumping with start But noise is coming from my damn fool heart Taking care not to be sheeting in fright I am clutching rifle tight with eye to sight Should Tiger come I will shoot and fall him down Then like hero return to native town Then through trees I am espying one cave I am telling self - “Bannerjee be brave” I am now proceeding with too much care From far I smell this Tiger’s lair My leg shaking, sweat coming, I start pray I think I will shoot Tiger some other day Turning round I am going to flee But Tiger giving bloody roar smelling Bengalee He bounding from cave like footballer Pele I run shouting “Kali Ma tumi kothay gele” Through the jongole I am running With Blowdy Tiger on my tail closer looming I am sheeting and telling that never in life I will take risk again for my farked up “WIFE “!!!!! ♥

Q: What does a pig put on its paper cut? A: Oinkment!

The mouse and the elephant pas together over a bridge, very proud the mouse says: Do you hear how the bridge vibrates under OUR footsteps?

Two rabbits are in a garden and one of the rabbits says, "Thith carrot tathes pithy." The other rabbit says, "Yes, I know, I just pithed on it."

I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.

What looks like half a cat? The other half.

What kind of sharks make good carpenters? Hammerheads.

Q: Why didn't they make two Yogi bears? A: Because someone made a Boo Boo.

What's black and white, stinks and hangs from a line? A drip dry skunk.

A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life. After some years of pointless searching, she didn’t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper. A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately. On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy. When she entered the room she stood steal... She saw her husband naked to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room. "But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked. "Look.. I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s the same as with the kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch you!"

You shouldn't be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Q: What does a cow make when the sun comes out? A: A shadow.

How do you get a hundred cows in a barn? You hang up a bingo sign!

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, “Hallelujah!” The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, “Amen!” The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher’s instructions. “Hallelujah!” shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. “Amen!” shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. “This is great!” said the man. With a “Hallelujah,” he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. “Stop,” said the man. “Halt!” he cried. The donkey just kept going. “Oh, no… Bible!….Church!…Please Stop!!” shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. “Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN.” The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff. “HALLELUJAH!”, shouted the man.

Sharks are not living on the sea because they can't breath on continent. They live on a sea, because Chuck Norris doesn't.

Two teenagers walk through a park and see two rabbits getting it on, fast and furious. "What are they doing?" asks the girl. "They're jumping rope," says the boy. "Maybe I'll teach you how someday." "I want you to teach me now," says the girl. So the two go behind some bushes and start getting it on. When the boy has his pants down, the girl asks, "What's behind your 'rope?'" "That's my knot," says the boy. "Well," says the girl, "untie the knot and give me some more rope."

Q: Why are fish so smart? A: Because they live in schools.

Did you hear about the skunk who sat on a fan? He got cut off without a scent.

Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't tell the difference between his two horses? His friend suggested measuring them, that didn't help though, the Irishman discovered that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the white one!

Called to police about 5 times today to report a murder on my front lawn but they keep telling me to stop bothering them. Apparently they don’t give a shit about crows.

Chuck Norris tangled with Wolverine. He beat to him to a bloody pulp, then dared him to heal himself. Wolverine will not be in the next X-Men movie.

An elephant goes to a camel and says why have you got a pair of tits on your back, the camel then replies that's a funny question coming from someone with a dick on their face.

Chuck Norris eats black holes for breakfast. They taste like chicken.

There is a Bar in Calumpang who have has a Horse and they have a contest of it. Whoever will make the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free drinks. So a man from Manila comes in and the Bartender looks at him and he ask for a beer and he ask the Bartender about the contest. The Bartender tells him that whoever makes the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free beer on the house. So this guy whisper something to the horse and the horse rolls over and laughing! EEEHHH! He takes the P5,000 from the Bartender, drinks a lot of beer. As he is about to leave the Bartender ask him, "Will you be back tomorrow when we'll have a new contest?" The guy replies" Of course this is easier money than my career." So the next night.  The guy walks into the Bar with a large smile and reads the sign next to the Horse: Whoever makes the Horse cry will win P10,000 and free beer from the house. The Bartender tells the guy," Let me see you win this one." The guy approaches the Horse and shows him something. The Horse starts rolling on the ground and crying. When the guy goes to claim his prize. The Bartender says." Before I pay you, You have to tell me what you did to the horse?" The guy lights a cigarette and says," Easy the first time, I told the Horse that my penis is larger than his, the second time I showed him."

How do you catch a unique animal? You 'neak up on it.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Cats are allergic to Chuck Norris.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?