Jokes

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours? A hermit crab.

Question: Why did the Army send do many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? Answer: They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

In my past life I was a horse; now I'm just hung like one.

Q: Why did the frog cross the road? A: It didn't -- it got run over halfway across.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

What's green and red, and goes 100 mph? A frog in a blender!

A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church. He got colt feet.

Did you hear about the man with five keen senses? He still lacked common and horse!

"Why cant you play cards in the jungle?" "Because theres to many cheetahs."

Do you know what a Timberwolf is? No. Thats a guy that chases a girl up a tree and kisses her inbetween the limbs.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Q: What is a zebra? A: A horse behind bars.

A farmer is in the middle of plowing his field when his tractor runs out of gas. He needs to get back to the farm, but it's too far for him and his dog, Old Joe, to walk. He wanders out to the road and flags down a sports car. The driver says, "I'll give you a ride, but that dog can't get in my car." The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up." The driver decides to show off and open up the engine for max speed. Just as he's going into fifth gear, he looks out the window and sees Old Joe right beside him. In amazement, he slams on the brakes and Old Joe comes to a halt. The driver jumps out, exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! Is there something special about that collar he's wearing?" The farmer shakes his head and says, "That's not a collar. That's his a**hole. He's not used to stopping that fast."

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale. He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its left foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.” The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.” The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”

Q: What time is it when a elephant sits on a fence? A: Time to fix the fence.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

A pheasant says to a bull, "I would love to get on top of that tree, but I haven't the energy." "Well," says the bull, "why don't you eat some of my dung? It's packed with nutrients." So the pheasant eats some dung and finds that it gives him enough energy to get to the first branch. The next day, he eats some more and gets to the next branch. This cycle continues for a week. Finally, the pheasant is at the top of the tree, where he is spotted by the farmer, who shoots him with a shotgun. Moral of the Story: bullsh*t might take you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A giraffe walks into a bar and lies on the floor. The bartender says, "Whats that a lyin' on the floor?" Another bargoer replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

Two ROBINS were lying on their backs, BASKING in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, 'Mama, I'm so hungry, what can we eat?' To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, How about some Baskin Robbins?'

What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery? A yeaster bunny.

Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window? A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.

Why did the farmer fence in the bull? The farmer had too much of a steak in him to let him go!

Chuck Norris is the most feared predator on the planet. That's why sharks have a Chuck Norris week.

A blonde is driving down the road and she sees a dead rabbit. She stops the car and called out, "Does anybody got any hairspray!?" A man pulls up and gives her a bottle of spray and she sprays it on the dead rabbit and the man stares and says "Why u doing that?" The blonde says "Hairspray is for dead hairs"

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? Because he doesn't want anyone to know that he's been screwing chickens.

Which day of the week do chickens hate most? Fry-day!

Q: What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs? A: Sparky.

What's a moo hoo for grazing school? Grass class.

Chuck Norris can kill a Great White Shark by drowning it.