Jokes

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles. The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."

Why was cow afraid? He was a cow-herd.

Just started my first day as an aquatic vegan. I now only eat fruits, nuts, plants, and animals that live in water like fish, crabs, ducks and baby seals.

A man went to a restaurant, sat down, and there was a frog at the table. He asked him what he had to eat, and the frog replied, "Riblets."

What gives milk and has a horn? A milk tank.

Q: how many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? A: tentickles!

Teacher: If a lion is chasing you, what would you do? Christy: I'd climb a tree. Teacher: if the lion climbs a tree? Christy: I will jump in the lake and swim. Teacher: if the lion also jumps in the water and swims after you? Christy: Teacher, are you on my side or on the lion's?

What's the best way to make a bull sweat? Put him in a tight jumper !

I was gonna join this fraternity, but they make you do crazy stunts, so I had to swallow five live goldfish to join -- and I tried. I swallowed two, and I felt so guilty that I swallowed a pound of pebbles and a little filter and a little man in a scuba suit.

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied,  "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left foot to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too. As soon as I finished milking the cow again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt. As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain."

What do you call a tired cow? Milked out.

What do a walrus and tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal!

Why is it that if you drink milk from a cow society thinks that’s normal but if you drink milk from another human you get arrested by security guards?

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

A reporter goes to the hills of West Virginia to research an article about the area. He meets an old man and asks him about memorable moments in his life. "Well," says the old man, "one time my favorite sheep got lost. Me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the sheep. Then, we finished the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun." The reporter asks for another story. "Well," says the old man, "one time my neighbor's pig got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We finally found the pig. Then, we finished the moonshine and screwed it. Now that was a lot of fun." The frustrated reporter tells the old man that he can't write articles about these stories and asks if he has any sad memories he can talk about. The old man says "Well, one time I got lost... ."

Q:Why do ducks have webbed feet? A:To stamp out fires. Q:Why do elephants have flat feet? A:To stamp out burning ducks

What hair style is a calf's favorite? The cowlick.

“I’m getting sick of eating airline food all the time.” Said the Malaysian shark.

Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted? A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather. A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

What do you call a blind deer? No eye dear. What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg? Still no eye dear What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated? Still no f*cking eye dear.

What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna.

Two guys John and Dick were just about to go to sleep when they realized the gate to their car garage was not yet closed. Each one wanted the other to go and close it. Dick came with a solution he said, I will ask you a question if you answer it properly you will close the gate otherwise I will close it. Bright idea! Said John, go ahead and ask. Well said the Dick, There is small domestic animal, it spends most of its time in the house and sometimes it roams in the garden, it catches mice and cries mew, mew, I mean meow, meow. What is it? Well, that must be a fish answered John. After thinking for moment Dick exclaimed Oh! You got it!!

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."

I love a female who's not afraid to pick the nits out of her own fur.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig? A: Won't happen -- there are some things even a pig won't do.

How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another.

"Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?" "No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face."

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw... brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."