Jokes

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.” After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?” The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

Scientists are conducting experiments to determine why a giraffe’s legs are so long. I’m no expert, but at a guess I’d say that if they were shorter they wouldn’t reach the ground.

Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea? It's all over town!

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, "Oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

Can I borrow your cellphone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Bad Zoo 1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

This guy from up north just up and one day moved down south to start himself a farm. He came across this man and asked him where he could get a good donkey to pull a cart and plow. The man said I've got just what you need. Only thing is down here we don't call them donkeys we call them an ass. He said when this ass stops you'll have to get off the cart and slap them to get it going again. The northern man thanks him and heads on his way. He comes up to a man seeking chickens. He says to the man, I'd like to buy a rooster and a hen. The guy sai d sure thing but down here we don't call em roosters and hens. We call them a cock and a pullet. The man from up north says ok, thanks the man and is on his way. He going along in his cart when his donkey stops in the middle of the road. He remembers what the man said he had to do to get it going. Just then a lady is walking by. So he walks up to her and says, "excuse me miss, but will you hold my cock and pullet while I slap my ass."

An old lady meets a little girl in the park with her dog. She asks, "What's your name, little girl?" "Blossom," answers the girl. "Oh, that's a beautiful name. How did you get it?" The little girl explained, "Well, my mommy was pregnant, and a blossom fell out of a tree and landed right on her tummy, so she named me Blossom." "Oh, that's so nice, replied the old lady. "What's your dog's name?" "Porky," the little girl answered. "Why Porky?" the old lady asked. The little girl answered, "Because he f**ks pigs."

What is the definition of "derange"? De place where de cowboys ride.

Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road? To get to the other side… er, no… to go shopping… no, not that either… damn it!

Elephant asks a camel:''why do you have two boobs on your back?" Camel says to Elephant:"Thats a funny question from someone with a dick on his face." Elephant:"..."

Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.

What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant? Burgers and flies.

A little girl asks her Mom, "May I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No honey, the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you". Her Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Her Dad asks, "Where's Susie?" The girl replies, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!

What's green green green green green? A frog rolling down a hill.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers? She heard he was a cowpuncher-

What's green and red? A very mad frog.

A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks. "Huey," answers the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?". "Dewey," comes the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't? A: Whistle through his pecker.

New footage has emerged from the Cincinnati Zoo showing Harambe the silver-back gorilla looking after the small boy who fell into his enclosure. In recognition of this Harambe has now been posthumously awarded African American Father Of The Year 2016.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because many years ago, sheep evolved who panicked at the sound of a zipper.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.  He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “OK, follow me”, he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.                                                Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest.  Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.                          “Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked. YES, YES, YES!!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good for you! Because I f**king didn’t.”  

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, "Where are you going, Lil' Red?" Red said, "To grandma's." Her mother said, "Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off." Lil' Red replied, "Don't worry, I've got a gun." So about a mile down the road, Lil' Red met the Three Little Pigs. They asked where she was going and she said, "Grandma's house." The Pigs warned, "Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off!" She told them, "Don't worry, I've got a gun." About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out of the forest and grabbed Lil' Red. He shouted "Ha! I finally caught you!" And she cried, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and freak my little red socks off." "Yes I am," said the Wolf, drooling. "No, you ain't," said Little Red. "What do you mean," said the Wolf, taken aback. Lil' Red pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pulled out her big silver gun and said, "Nope, you're gonna eat me like it says in the book."

Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and kill a farmer's pig while driving through the country. O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer. They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside. He is gone for a long time. When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." "Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks. The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

Q: What do you get when you cross a perm with a rabbit? A: Curly hare.

A guy walks into a Raptors bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a "Toronto Raptors" jersey and helmet, and is festooned with "Raptors" pom-poms. The bartender says: "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins and Vince Carter does a great slum dunk. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says: "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if Raptors win?" The owner replies: "I don't know, I've only had him for a half year."