Jokes

First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.

Yo momma's so fat... The animals at the zoo feed her.

I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!

What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls? Reptiles.

What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? Claws.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "If you can make that horse over there laugh, you can get free drinks for the rest of the night." The man walks over, says something to the horse, it laughs, and he walks back over to the bar to collect his free drinks. The next night, the man goes back to the bar and the bartender asks the man if he can make the horse cry. The man walks over, does something to the horse, and it starts to cry. The bartender asks, "How did you make it cry?" The man replies, "Well, to make the horse laugh last night I told it I had a bigger dick and to make it cry tonight I showed it."

What is the golden rule for cows? Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you.

I don't eat chicken; I'm a vegetarian. I'm not a full vegetarian, like I'll eat hamburgers and hot dogs.

Whoever said swans mate for life is a complete liar. As soon as I let my swan go it flew away.

A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer is sitting in the kitchen when his son comes in from the barn with a large glass of white liquid. He is so excited because he's just milked a cow. Then he takes a big drink from the glass. His father just stares at him. "Son, we don't have a cow. We have a bull."

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house

When should you feel sorry for a skunk? When its spray pump is out of order!.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout? A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? A stripey sweater.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato.

Once in America a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey. Officer: “When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “Tying their belts” Officer: “What were the airhostesses doing?” Monkey: “Saying Hello! Good morning!” Officer: “What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: “Checking the system” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Looking for my people” Officer: “After 10′ minutes what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “Having beverages and snacks” Officer: “What were the airhostesses doing?” Monkey: “Serving the travelers” Officer: “What were the Pilots doing?” Monkey: “Handling the steering” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Eating & throwing” Officer: “After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “Some were sleeping and some were reading” Officer: “What were the airhostesses doing?” Monkey: “Make up” Officer: “What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: “Handling the steering” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Nothing” Officer: “Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “All were sleeping” Officer: “What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: “Handling the air hostess” Officer: What were you doing? Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!

How does an elephant climb a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.

What do you call a gay dinosoaur? Mega-Soar-Ass

Q. Why are camels known as ‘ships of the desert’? A. Because they’re full of Arab seamen.

Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road by a zebra crossing. One says, "Don't cross here!" The other one says, "Why not?" The first one says, "Look what happened to this zebra!"

What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house? The Lizard of Oz.

This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in. He asks, ''What the hell are you doing?'' Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.'' The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.'' Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.'' The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!'' The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping. The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?'' He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.'' The husband looks him over and says,''But you're naked.'' The man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ''Them little bastards.''

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."

Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere? Yak the Ripper.

Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for rubbish and blubber? The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.

Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet? He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

How do you weigh a whale? On Whale Weigh Scales.