Jokes

Hey baby, I heard that rabbits, can make 150 babies a year, how many do you think we can make in an hour?

A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when there was a knock on the door. He opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper. There was another knock, so he opened the door again. This time, he looked down and saw a small snail. "Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said. The man picked up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading. A year later, there was another knock at the door. It was the snail. "What'd you do that for?"

Four secrets of a happy marriage. 1. Find a woman who can cook and clean. 2. Find a woman who is an animal in bed. 3. Find a woman with lots of money. 4. Make sure none of these 3 women ever meet each-other.

Why'd the squirle talk to the elephant To get his nuts

Got my sick dog put down earlier today. I was worried it was gonna be expensive but they actually did it for free and they gave me a bag of prawn crackers with 3 spring rolls.

Looking at you, I understand why some animals eat their young.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. "Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me." "I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says “Hey koala what are you doing?” The koala answers “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, “What’s wrong with you, lizard?” The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says “Hey, you.” The koala looks down and says, “Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Roger was heartbroken when his favorite dog, Sam, went belly up. He rushed him to the vet, saying, “Do whatever you can for Sam, never mind the cost!” “Sorry, Roger, but this dog is dead.” replied the vet, after a glance at the animal. “Sam just can’t be dead.” insisted Roger. “Do something!” The vet called for Tabby, his big yellow tomcat. Tabby poked Sam in the tail, then in the belly, and finally hissed in his ear. Nada. Roger was forced to accept the sad news. On the way out, Roger was shocked to receive a bill for $625. “What is this for?” he exclaimed. “Well that is $25 for the visit…” said the vet “….and $600 for the catscan.”

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."

What do you get if you cross a steer and a chicken? Roost beef.

Q: Why are tigers religious? A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!

The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."

Chuck Norris was mauled by a bear once, then the bear woke up and apologized.

I don't buy fat free milk because I don't want to contribute to cows having body issues.

Two skunks were being chased by a bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said "Whatever shall we do?" "Let us spray!" replied the other.

Come on, I don't have to tell you how cute you are--you know you're a panda!

Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away.

As a single person, I think I can admit, sometimes, pickings can be pretty slim. But really, how much beer would you have to drink before you date out of your own species? Call me old fashioned, but I cling to the belief that 'human' is an important dating criteria.

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : ” You get out and check - you were driving.” The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. ” You were driving, go and tell the farmer,” says Nicola, I can’t afford to be blamed for anything. The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. ” My God, what happened to you ?” asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : ” When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me.” ” What on earth did you say?” asks Nicola. I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I’m Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow.”

A toad with a yellow penis wants to fit in with the other toads in the neighborhood, so he decides to see the local wizard. "You'll have to go to the wizard in Kansas, because I can't help you," says the wizard. The next day, an elephant comes in with a pink penis and asks the the wizard to make it gray. Once again, the wizard says, "You'll have to go to the wizard in Kansas." "How do I get there?" "Oh, it's easy -- just follow the yellow-d**ked toad."

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

Why did the dinosaur have so few friends? Because Tyrannosaurus reeks!

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter? A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

A bat came to his friends wit blood over his face his he ask his friends do you want to now were I get al dis blood his friends says yes and he dit go show and the bat says with the blood over his face do you see dat tree there his friends says yes yes yes He says I didn't see it

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

A guy from the RSPCA knocked on my door this morning. He said, “We’ve had a complaint that you’ve been overfeeding your cat. Apparently it weighs the best part of 4 stone.” I said, “It’s not a cat.” “Oh” he replied, “There must be a mistake, is it a dog?” I said, “No, it’s a hamster.”