Jokes

Q: Why are frogs so happy? A Because they eat everything that bugs them.

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding, but didn't quite know how to do it. He soon found out that the vet would charge him $200 a pig. That was a little rich for his blood, so he figured he might be able to do it himself. So for three weeks, he'd load up all the pigs in the truck and take 'em to an isolated location where nobody would see him doing it. After three weeks, none of the pigs were pregnant, so he decided to forget about it for a morning. That morning, his wife happened to look out the window. "Honey? What are you doing to those pigs?" "What do you mean?" asked the farmer. "One's honking the horn, and the others are rocking the back of the truck."

Q: Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? A: It kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig? A: Jurrassic Pork.

Just hit a dog with my car on the way home from work. It’s OK though, I stopped the car, picked up the dog and put a suicide note under its paw.

Two parrots were sitting on a perch… One says to the other… Do you smell fish?

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" God asks her. "Lord," she says, "I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples," she says. "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you," the good Lord tells her. "What's a 'man', Lord?" she inquires. "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressivetendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" she asks. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride!

You said it was a great horse and it is. It took twenty other horses to beat him!

I’m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls.

This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted. The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little's s painted all around and all over his car. The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"

How does a tree get pregnant? By a woodpecker!

Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? A: If it had four, it would be a sedan.

Question: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? Answer: Lipstick.

Who held the baby octopus to ransom? Squidnappers.

What did one dairy cow say to another? Got milk?

Which rabbits were famous bank robbers? Bunny and Clyde.

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning. "What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer. The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, I was just eating ice cream."

Why do you never get rat or mouse flavored cat food?

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again." God said, "It is done!" All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"

We fishing the other day, and I get hammered and I'm like, 'I gotta take a leak.' So, I start peeing in the lake -- realized I was in the fish tank up at the Red Lobster. Thank God they put some rubber bands on them lobster pinchers, I tell you that much. Good lord, I'd be up here half-c**ked right now.

How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.

OK, it’s St. Paddy’s Day, and I’m tipping back another pint o’ Guinness Stout when a jubilant giraffe ambles his way into the pub. He announces: “A round of drinks for ev’rybody… The highballs are on me!”

Everybody knows that Chuck Norris can't shoot a bow even though he got 5 bullseyes in a row. The only reason he got the bullseye is that his arrows know better than to miss.

Why wouldn't anyone play with the little longhorn? He was too much of a bully!

Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.

A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him "Are you a bear?" "Yes" "What are you doing at the movies?" "Well, I liked the book!"

What happens when you drop a whale on thin ice? Her: What? You: It breaks the ice. Hi, i'm (your name)

What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? A cockerpoodlemoo.