Jokes

What do you call an owl magician? HOOOOOdini.

Promised some people this week that I would water their plants and take care of their animals while they want on vacation. Bad idea -- the people are farmers.

"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg." "Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?" "Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."

Three strangest animals known to man. 1. The urine loving Candiru fish. 2. The exploding termites of French Guiana. 3. White person with dreadlocks.

What animal has sharp teeth and 5 legs? A pit bull in a playground.

Q: What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey? A: Drumsticks for everybody!

Q: Why cant you hear a pterodactyl pee? A: Because the "p" is silent.

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a fishing boat one whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes and capsize the boat, for a laugh''. They proceed to do this and swim back down laughing their flippers off. Then the first whale says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat a few?'' The other whale then replies ''Look mate I don't mind the odd blow job but I refuse to swallow seamen!!!!''

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Chuck Norris once had a pet monkey...his name was KING KONG

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be L1000, please". "A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

Forget rhino horn. The most powerful Chinese aphrodisiac is panda bone. And I got your stash right here.

Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."

Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear? A: Because their peckers are on their faces!

Q.How do you catch a polar bear? A.You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea,you kick it in the ice hole.

My cat can talk. I asked her what two minus two was and she said nothing.

A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets. He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details. Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money? Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games. - Good monkey, it's worth the money. He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant. "What does this monkey know?" "It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad." "Nice, even I don't know those things." On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$. The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details. "And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?" "I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!"

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles.

My teacher didn’t believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl? A: A c**k that stays up all night.

Which rabbit is a famous comedian? Bob Hop.

A magician on a cruise ship was performing one night when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve!" The magician chased the bird away. The next night, the magician was performing another trick when the parrot walked onstage and declared, "It's in his pocket!" During his next performance, he saw the parrot in the crowd, but before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank. The magician grabbed onto a floating board. The parrot was perched on the other end. "I give up," the parrot said. "What did you do with the ship?"

Q: What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a computer? A: Hairy Reasoner.

What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball? Glass flippers.

Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A: A sweater with big pockets.

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn''t eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn''t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition. When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks; and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven. So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench. No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn''t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish. The next day the headlines read: ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!

Q: How does a cow sneak off a farm? A: Right pasteurize.