Jokes

Q: Why does a squirrle swim on its back? A: To keep its nuts dry

What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher? Ground round.

Girl, you got more legs than a bucket of chicken!

Three tortoises, Tinku, Teku and Toku, went into a restaurant. Each of them ordered a large ice cream sundae. They were waiting for their order when they noticed that it was pouring with rain outside. "We are going to need our umbrellas," said Toku. Tinku agreed. They both decided that Teku should run home to get the umbrellas, but he didn't want to go in case they ate his ice-cream while he was away. But Toku and Tinku promised that they would do nothing of the kind, so Teku set off. One week went by and Teku did not return. Two weeks went by and still he did not appear. Halfway through the third week, Tinku turned to Toku and said, "Come on, let's eat his ice cream." "Okay, let's," said Toku. Just then Teku's voice piped up from under the next table, "If you do, I won't go for that umbrella!"

Two Rabbits are running from a group of foxes. They hide in a pile of hay, one rabbit says to the other one "Ok we can run for it or we can stay here and out number them." And the other rabbit says, "We're going to run for it you idiot I'm your brother."

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. “Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks. “Boy,” is the man’s response. “Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there.” An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. “Now, I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on.” The man asks, “What do I do with the shotgun?” “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog.”

Yo' Mama is so ugly, she got hauled into the dog pound for walking down the street without a license.

Why don't the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable

A pterodactyl and I were the only ones standing at the urinals in the restaurant’s bathroom. Something was wrong. I could hear my stream make a “tinkle” sound but there should have been two streams making “tinkle” noises. Then it hit me. He’s a pterodactyl. The pee is silent.

They say in show business never work with children or animal. That’s especially true when making adult movies.

What do you call an easy-going rabbit? Hoppy-go-lucky.

Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites !

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been able to sleep because her dog snores too loudly. The doctor told her to tie a ribbon around his balls and he will shutup. The woman goes to her bedroom and sees her dog lieing on the floor snoring. She gets a red ribbon and ties it around his balls. The dog stops snoring. The woman goes to sleep. After a while, her husband comes home drunk. He lays in bed and falls fast asleep. He starts to snore loudly so the woman gets a blue ribbon and ties it around his balls. The next morning the woman gets up and goes to work. The man wakes up and sees the blue ribbon on his balls. Then he looks down at the dog and sees the red ribbon around his balls. The guy says to the dog, ''I don't know what we did lasst night, but we got first and second place!'''

Q: If a one L-ama is a Tibet monk (Lama) And a two L-ama is a South American pack animal? Llama? What is a three L-ama? A: A really big fire.

Curious to see why they call me a "please-you-a-saur?"

Q: How do birds fly? A: They just wing it!

Two Iraqis went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel. The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, “Where is my camel?” The Iraqis replied, “Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, ‘Look at the two assholes on that camel!’ So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!”

Which rabbit was in Western movies? Hopalong Cassidy.

Whats pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife.

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

What did the frog say to the fly? You are really starting to bug me!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed." The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

According to a recent study, 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. And according to the same study, 67% of pets say “Why won’t this crazy woman shut the hell up?”

Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 8' to 11' tall.

If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get? Half and half.

A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked, "What’s happening?" The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the zoo." "Oh my, which way is it heading?" "Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?"

Q. What’s the difference between a pig and a fox? A. About 5 pints.

Q: A cowboy left Montana to go to Texas on Friday and came back on Friday. How did he do it? A: He named his horse Friday.

What is the same about a blonde and a dog? They both suck dick.