Jokes

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy.  "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."  Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"  The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

Teacher: Give me an example of animal. Jimmy: Frog Teacher: Give me another. Jimmy: Another Frog.

Q: What do donkeys send out near Christmas? A: Mule-tide greetings.

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale. “Afraid not,” said the farmer. “I’ll give you a thousand bucks!” said the city fella. “I can’t sell you that horse. He don’t look too good,” replied the farmer. “I know horses, and he looks fine. I’ll give you two thousand!” “Well, all right, if you want him so bad.” The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. “You sold me a blind horse!” “Well,” said the farmer, “I told you he didn’t look too good.”

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles? SPARKY!!!

I saw a man at the beach screaming, ‘Help, shark, help!’… … … I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.

Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? He liked a good croak and dagger.

What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head? A tiger moth.

What is the definition of revenge? A baby with a dog in its mouth.

What does a squid sheriff form? An octoposse.

What's a rabbits favorite song? "Hoppy Birthday to You."

if you were an animal you'd be a beaver, because DAM, you look nice today.

What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider? A harenet.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it. Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar. The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it." "Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back." So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically. "That's amazing," said the bartender. "Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings." "Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back." So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby. "Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*ck than he did. Then I showed him."

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?" "Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves." "You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!" "Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?" "I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!" "Help me please, please help!"

Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left him.

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... Show him your badge!"

What is the scariest type of dinosaur? A Terror-dactyle.

Dog Property Laws 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, its mine. 8. If I saw it first, its mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, its yours.

A duck sees a pig eating something. “What are you eating?” “A chocolate cake” “Why does it smell like shit then?” “I’m eating it for the third time”

Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

This bloke had a couple pet monkeys for years and he was very fond of them. Eventually, though, they died. He couldn’t bear to part with them, so he took them to a taxidermist to have them stuffed. … … “Do you want them mounted?” asked the taxidermist. … “Nah, just holding hands,” he replied. “They were brother and sister.”

A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner. The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck. By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf. She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The man thinks for a moment and then responds: "Could you take the dog for a walk?"

What to polar bears eat for lunch? (Ice berg-ers!)

I wish I was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum. It's hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out of your bum!

Q: What's dangerous and swings from trees? A: A monkey with a chainsaw.

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.