Jokes

Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant? He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: "Cow For Sale -- $5,000." He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth $5,000." The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail and Harry sees that the cow has a snatch just like a woman. Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth sh*t."

Yo' Mama is so fat, the elephants at the zoo throw her peanuts.

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard. The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate. "Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked. "My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied. "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor. "That's because he's inside your cat!"

One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner. In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first. After thinking for a while, the bear says, "I wish for all the bears in this forest to be female except me." Next is the rabbit's turn, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet," he says. The bear laughed, what an idiotic wish to make he thought to himself. The bear then says, "I wish for all the bears in this country to be female except me." The rabbit next says, "I wish for a motorcycle that requires no gas." The bear, almost tearing from laughter, says, "You could have wished for money to get those two things!" He then proceeds to make his final wish, after thinking for a while, he says to the frog, "I wish for all the bears in the world to be female except for me!" He smiles smugly. The rabit then puts on his helmet, hops on his motorcycle, grins to the bear and says, "I wish for this bear to be gay."

‘Do you know if pigs have periods?' ‘Are you kidding me? What idiot would keep a pig until she's 14?'

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. “I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.” The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.” The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.” She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.

How do you make a horse drink? Put it in a blender.

The difference between men and women A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "Stupid!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

How do you make a horse laugh? Tell him your schlong is bigger than his. How do you make a horse cry? Show him.

Where does a cow stop to drink? The milky way.

Why are cows made for dancing? They re all born hoofers.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? A: Of course, a house doesn't jump at all

What's a rabbits favourite car? Any make, just as long it's a hutchback.

A birch and a beech tree grow up side by side in the forest. One day, a sapling grows between them, and each swears that it's not their son. The beech thinks it's a son-of-a-birch, and the birch thinks it's a son-of-a-beech. To settle it, they enlist the help of a woodpecker, who checks it out. "You are both wrong," he says when he comes back up. "That's the best piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in."

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous?" The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue"

Q: What do you give a pig who wins a medal at the Olympic games? A: A pork medallion.

What do you if you're trapped inside a whale? Run 'round and 'round till you're all pooped out!

Why couldnt the teddy bear eat any more thanksgiving dinner? He was already stuffed!

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks. The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. "I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Don't you love the zoo? I love the monkeys, those are my favorite. They're so cute. And my least favorite, those are the, uh -- with little heads, the -- the kids.

Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead. Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.

-A LIST OF EVERYTHING WRONG BIEBER HAS DONE- 27. Declared his retirement on Christmas Eve (December 2013) 26. Was photographed smoking pot (January 2013) 25. Showed up to a concert in London two hours late on a school night; booed by fans (March 2013) 24. Kicked out of a nightclub in Chicago for drinking underage (July 2013) 23. Hosted a loud party at his home, which provoked neighbors to call the cops three times (November 2013) 22. Created graffiti on a hotel in Australia (November 2013) Was stopped at the Canadian border under suspicion of a tour bus connected with his tour having drugs on board (July 2013) 21. Got evicted from a London nightclub on his birthday for stinking the place up with pot and accused of attempting to sneak in his underage friend Jaden Smith; Bieber denied that accusation (March 2013) 20. Rumored to have had three bongs, two large cookie jars filled with pot, and the ingredients for Sizzurp in his house; cops were unable to seize any of it, because it would have exceeded their warrant; LA Sheriff's department denied the claims (January 2014) 19. Got detained at customs in Australia for suspicion of drug possession and using foul language (December 2013) 18. Forced his bodyguards to carry him up the Great Wall of China (October 2013) 17. Got into a fight with a paparazzo; assault charges were never filed (May 2012) 16. Got into a “scuffle” with a DJ in South Korea who refused to play his requests (October 2013) 15. Was photographed apparently spitting on his fans; Bieber denies that’s what happened (July 2013) 14. Allegedly spit at a DJ, who filed a police report for the incident (July 2013) 13. Allegedly started a bar brawl in a New York nightclub, although he wasn’t personally involved in the fight (August 2013) 12. Peed in a bucket in the kitchen of a restaurant where he was eating (July 2013) 11. Was rumored to have cheated on Selena Gomez, causing their break-up (February 2013) 10. Got charged with a driving offense for driving up to 100 MPH in an attempt to lose the paparazzi that were following him (July 2012) 9. Groped a stripper at a strip club (October 2013) 8. Allegedly had drugs and a stun gun on his tour bus in Sweden, apprehended by police (April 2013) 7. Got himself barred from Germany for not paying an outstanding $800,000 fine (August 2013) 6. Was photographed coming out of a brothel in Brazil; the girl he allegedly slept with released a video of him sleeping online (November 2013) 5. Accused of egging his neighbor’s house and causing $20,000 worth of damages, making it a felony; Bieber's house was searched and his friend Lil Za was arrested (January 2014) 4. Accused of spitting at and threatening to kill his neighbor, who confronted him about his reckless driving; no charges were filed (October 2013) 3. Allegedly hit a paparazzo with his car; charges were later dismissed (July 2013) 2. Got arrested on charges of drag racing in a residential area, driving under the influence, resisting arrest, and driving with an expired license (January 2014) 1. Abandoned his pet monkey, OG Mally, in Germany after the animal was seized when Bieber couldn’t produce the right paperwork to take it on tour (March 2013)

How does a farmer count cows? with a cow-calculator.

Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret? He was a blubber mouth.

Two guys meet: "Where were you lost my friend? says one of them." "Well, I took my kids to the zoo..." "And what kind of animals did you see there?" "The tiger... Huge and Scary! Full of stripes... Slowly walking inside the cage. She was “ahgrrr...” "Are you kidding me men? The tiger doesn’t go “ahgrrr..” … She “grrrrsss..”! "Right, ok.. But when you get too close to her face... !"

Bob is dead in the INSIDE of his apartment. There is a puddle of water, a ball, some glass, and a broken window. How did bob die? What is bob? Answer: Bob died by suffocating. Bob is a fish.

A waitress walks up to a man to take his order. "I'd like to get the turtle soup, please." The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants the pea soup instead. "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? Hare today, gone tomorrow.

Q: What do cats eat for breakfast? A: Mice Krispies.