Jokes

There was a man from Leek Who instead of a nose had a beak. It grew quite absurd, till he looked like a bird He migrates at the end of next week.

How do you stop a dog who's humping your leg? Whack him off!

Say girl, are you a gorilla exhibit? Cause I wanna drop a kid in you.

Yo' mama so old, she took her driver's test on a T-Rex!

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

I have a dilemma. I have to take my dog to the pet psychiatrist but he knows he is not allowed on the couch.

When do rabbits have buck teeth? When their parents won't get them braces.

Three mice sit in a bar. The first one brags, "I am one bad ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of all of them." The second one brags, "Well, I'm a bad ass mouse too. In my hood, I mix rat poison with my milk and chug it down every night before I go to bed." The third gets up and starts to leave. The other two mice both yell, "Hey chicken, where do you think you're going?" The third one replies, "Going home to f**k the cat."

Thank goodness! Testimony from your parrot is not admissible in court.

What happened to the cold jellyfish? It set.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and ... as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ... and dies immediately. If only men would listen...

Just last night, I signed up with ‘pig breeders weekly’……… they gave me a free pen

What's the only animal that has to be oiled? A mouse. Why? 'Cause it squeaks!

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child - I wanted a dog.

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.

Two "snakes" walking down the street. Oh man I have to ask you something the little one said. What is it? Are we dangerous? The other one said: of course we are, why? Because I just bit myself, replied the little one.

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.  The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.  The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."  And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.  The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."  And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Just heard on the radio that the average swallow flys about 73’000 miles a year across 17 countries without a satnav. Big deal, I travel without a satnav all the time. I think it’s more impressive that they don’t need a passport.

Can my dancing poodles watch? Honk honk!

Q: How do you get 500 old cows in a barn? A: Put up a Bingo sign.

The strident prosecutor begins: ''Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the State will prove that this defendant did in fact discard his breeches and insert his member into the innocent sheep; that he did ejaculate into said sheep and remove his member, whereupon this sheep turned around and licked his member clean.'' Then one member of the jury turned and whispered to the other juror and said, ''The good ones will do that you know."

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole? Q: A 20-foot cock that want to reach out and touch someone.

What's the odd one out? 1) A lobster 2) a whale 3) a guy that's been hit by a bus? The whale -- the other two are both crustaceans.

Life is like fighting a gorilla, you don't stop when you get tired, you stop when the gorilla does.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.  So the man reaches into his pant pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. “Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday? A merry dairy.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, finally the bear says, "excuse me ,do you have problems with crap sticking to your furr when you go?" The rabbit replies, "WHY NO".....so then the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

What happens when a cow stops shaving? It grows a Moostache.

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!". The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"