Jokes

A man walks by a table in a casino and passes three men and a dog playing cards. ‘That’s a very smart dog,’ says the man. ‘He’s not so clever,’ says one of the players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.’

Q: What's bright-eyed and bushy-tailed? A: A squirrel on crack.

Yesterday I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah. ‘Hello,’ I thought. ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’

Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get your nose between those tiny legs?

Put strobe headlights in my car to make the deer run slower.

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

A tourist on a farm asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg. The farmer said, "That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw." "So why does he have a wooden leg?" the tourist asked. "One night, our house caught on fire, and he came inside and woke us all up." The tourist asked again, "So, why does that pig have a wooden leg?" "You can't eat a pig that brave all at once!"

How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!

I never really had pets when I was a kid. There was one time I asked my mom for a puppy. She was like, 'Nah, puppies cost too much. I'm gonna get you a dog from the shelter. They cheaper.' I don't know if you know about those dogs from the shelter, but they be a little bit off. We ended up getting, like, a crackhead dog.

Yo' Mama is so fat, when she went whale-sighting, the other tourists took her picture.

How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented? They were very impressed.

That bull you sold me is a lazy good-for-nothing. I told you he was a bum steer.

Why did the bareback performer ride his horse? Because it got too heavy to carry.

There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'. Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?" The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: He freakin' felt like it!

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?" "About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies. The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"

Q: What's the importance of capitalization? A: You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.

I’ve just bought a Dalmatian puppy. And I’ve found out, if you join all the dots together with a marker pen… It doesn’t wash off.

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Indian:( Look of shock ) Cowboy:"Is this Indian your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian ) Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian:( Look of disbelief ) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Good." Indian:( Extreme look of shock ) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian ) Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me." Indian:( Complete look of utter amazement ) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep liar."

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

What does a cow ride when his car is broken? A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.

Q: What do you call a bulldog and shih tzu crossbreed? A: Bullshit.

Osama-bin-Laden had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down. Laden was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store: WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK! He looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the store with his camel and the vendor asks him,” What can I do for you?” “Well, friend” Laden replies, “I noticed your sign and I’m interested in your help. You see my camel’s been slowing down a bit and I don’t really want to trade him in for a new one.” The vendor says, “That won’t be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It’s guaranteed.” “OK Let’s do it.” The vendor says, “Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform.” While Osama is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another room and returns with two large bricks. “Stand back,” he cautions Laden. The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel’s balls. The camel runs out of the place like a bat out of hell. “Wow!,” says Osama, “That’s the fastest I’ve seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?” The vendor says with a smile, “Please step onto the platform, sir.”

I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot.. And completely smashed his beehive to bits.

Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station? Because it's a mane-lion station.

A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby. Say, farmer "Is that bull safe?" "Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!"

Ever seen an Asian veterinarian? Not going to happen. They'll eat all their patients.

My driving instructor told me, NEVER brake if there’s an animal in the road. You should have seen the look on the copper’s face as I knocked him off his horse.

The T. Rexes were all angry. You know why? Because these huge muscular creatures with these big muscular legs and these tiny little hands! How would you feel, 60 million years never being able to masturbate? That is the real reason dinosaurs are extinct right there.