Jokes

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?" The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm." The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?" The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"

Why was the racehorse named Bad News? Because bad news travels fast!

The wild and mean bear grabs the hedgehog and asks him: "Were you at the fox’s party as well?" "Yes, I was. So what?" "Were you sitting on the table?" "Yeah, why?" The bear, ready to leg press him, changes his mind and says to the hedgehog: "Next time, wherever you go, take an umbrella with you!" "But why, my friend?" the hedgehog wonders. "Cause all night long, I was taking thorns off my ass!"

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man’s leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog’s head. … … Having watched what happened, a bystander said, “Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!” … … “I know,” said the blind man, “but I gotta find his head before I can kick his arse.”

What separates humans from the animals? The Mediterranean.

A man sees a sign outside a house - ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. “Do you really talk?” he asks the dog. “Yes,” the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, “So, tell me your story.” The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. “In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. “I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.” The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. “Ten quid,” the owner says. “£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?” “Because he’s a lying bastard. He’s never been out of the garden!!.

How do you f*ck a fat chick? Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.

There is a job in the newspaper that say its requirements are: Bilingual, mathematical and good with computers. So one day a dog walks in to the office of the place that is offering with a note in his mouth saying he can do all the things asked and he drops this note on the desk of the receptionist. The receptionist is astounded by this and calls the manager immediately. The manager comes down and says “alright then you’ll have to prove your claim” Then he says “ok firstly you have to be good with computers.” The dog then runs to the computer behind the desk and types up his CV. Then the manager says “Very good. But you’ve got to be mathematical and we’ve got a test to see about that. You’ve got and hour to complete it.” The manager then puts the test in the dogs mouth and the dog wanders off. The dog comes back an hour later and gives the test to the manager. The manager quickly marks I and says “Exceptional 100%. But you’ve also got to be Bilingual” the dog then replies “Meow”

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Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute? A: A two-ton pick-up.

Camper: "Look at that bunch of cows." Farmer: "Not bunch, herd." Camper: "Heard what?" Farmer: "Of cows." Camper: "Sure I've heard of cows." Farmer: "No, I mean a cowherd." Camper: "So what? I have no secrets from cows."

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

Q: Why did the monkey cross the road? A: So he could get spanked.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

What do you call a gigantic polar bear? Nothing, you just run away.

Did you hear about the boy who was told to do 100 lines? He drew 100 cats on the paper. He thought the teacher had said lions.

A hippo once told me he hated gangs, but then he joined one What a HippoCrip.

There were two little crabs who met in Florida every year. One year when they arrived, one little crab was shivering terribly. The other crab asked why and he said, "I got a ride here on a man's moustache. He drove so fast, I was freezing." "Well," the other crab said, "why don't you hide up a lady's skirt next year. Then you won't be as cold." The little crab said, "Hey, that isn't a bad idea." A year later, the two crabs met at the same place, and the one little crab was shivering very badly again. The other crab asked if he had taken his advice and he said, "Yeah, I went and hid up a lady's skirt, but when I woke up in the morning I was on that's guy's moustache again!"

Why did the cow jump over the moon? To get to the Milky Way!

Why did the dog go to the doctors? Because he was feeling ruff

What kind of cars do rabbits drive? Hop rods.

Q: How do you count cows? A: With a cowculator.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad!

Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs? A: So they can walk.

"My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs Bunny. But I m positive he isn't." "How do you know he isn t?" "Because I am."

Why did the frog walk across the road? He didn't... he jumped.

A skunk family had two little skunks they called In and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk, Father Skunk and young Out spent hours looking for him, getting more worried all the time. In the end the parents went home to have a cup of tea, but Out said he d continue searching for a while. Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following behind him. "However did you find him?" asked Father Skunk. "In-stinct," replied Out.

A snail entered a police station and told an officer, "I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!" The officer replied, "Why that's terrible. Did you get a good look at them?" "No sir, it all happened so fast!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school." "Great, but why the wooden leg?" "The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy." "Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?" "Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"