Jokes

You said this horse could jump as high as a ten foot fence and he can't jump at all. Well neither can a fence!

I phoned my girlfriend and said, “What a day! I accidentally threw the dog’s ball off a cliff.” “Oh dear,” she said. “Did you have to go down and get it?” I replied, “Nah. I’ll not need it again anyway.”

Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette? He didn't have enough money tabaccer!

Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws? It costs an arm and a leg to eat there.

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people." The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the a monkey of the jungle." His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..." He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"

What is the difference between a cat and a dog? Dogs think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so they must be Gods. Cats think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so I must be God."

Cats are cool because you don't have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home -- they're yours. You ain't never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They're under there like, 'Meow,' and you be looking at them like, 'Oh they're so cute. Let's go find one like that.'

One goldfish to his tankmate: "If there's no God, who changes the water?"

What did the idiot call his pet zebra? Spot!

Pit bull, that's my dog of choice right there. I told my wife about it. I thought pit bulls had, pound for pound, the most crushing power in their jaws of any animal. She watches the Discovery Channel, told me that's not true. No, the animal with the most crushing power? Brazilian land tortoise. Now that may or may not be true, but I've never looked at a turtle and thought, 'We better get out of here.'

What did the giraffe say to the zebra when his mom called him home? Zebra later!

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."

What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties? "Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo."

Question: Why does Tigger smell? Answer: You'd smell too if you played with Pooh all day!

It seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in His bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing”, God told the couple, “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability.” Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please…” On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. “Fine,” God said looking back into His bag of leftovers, “What’s left here? Oh yes, ‘multiple orgasms’ . . .”

What band is a cow favorite? Moody Blues.

What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil? Pre-tanned leather.

What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson? He stank to the bottom of the pool.

You would think that if you pulled a snail’s shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet." So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet." So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet." The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot." So the scientist cut off his last leg. "He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!" So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Why do they call camels 'ships of the desert'? Because they are full of Arab semen.

Q: Which American duo became famous for stealing horses? A: Bonnie and Clydesdale.

Why are there no zebras in Czech zoos? Czechs and stripes don’t mix.

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing? A harenet.

If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?

What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? "What d'ya know, we do taste like chicken."

What types of bees make milk? Boobees !

What's the important part of a horse? The manr part.