Jokes

So...I had this rabbit that died of heatstroke after a week and I didn't have a time to name it. So after it died and was on my lap the name came to me...I'll call it floppy!

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player? Bear Jordan.

A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Q: Where did the newlywed horses stay? A: In the bridle suite.

Babe, your cuter than a puppy at an animal shelter, Cuz i want to take you home!

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

What's an octopuses favourite latin saying? Squid pro quo.

Q; What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head? A: Homeless.

I was rallying to protest against fox hunting when one of the so called hunters came to me and said "don't knock hunting, until you've tried it dear boy." then smugly walked off. So, next day i did, .. his head is now on my wall.

There was once a puppy called May who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she was. One day she argued with a lion. The next day was the first of June. Why? Because that was the end of May!

Chuck Norris once rode a bull threw a China shop, the only thing that broke was the bull.

A farmer walks out on his field and sees something outrageous: a cow with a halo over her head, a cat on the cow's back, and a rabbit on the cat's back. "HOLY COW!" he exclaims, "I've never seen a hare on that pussy!"

which bird gives others boners? Blue tits!!!

Just had the following conversation in a job interview. Interviewer: So why do you want this job? Me: Well, I’ve always been really passionate about not starving to death.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to save a fish from drowning.

Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory? Alike did was stand around making faces.

Q: Why did the chicken run onto the football field? A: Because the umpire called a foul.

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25." Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?" "Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."

I was at the pet store this morning and they had a bin labeled “Bulk Bird Seed.” …. … …. …. It didn’t occur to me at the time to see if they had bird seed in those little packets the way they have flowers and tomatoes and peas and carrots. … …. Just thinking: If they have bird seed packets, I can grow my own bird garden!!!

I took the missuz out for Valentine’s dinner and she ordered Pelican, which was a feature on the Valentine’s menu. It was delicious, but the bill was enormous.

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day.

A man invites a friend to watch his prize duck hunting dog at work. They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off. At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owner explains that this means there are three ducks on the pond. When they walk up, exactly three ducks take flight. At the third pond, the dog runs back and forth, humping the hunters' legs and chasing his tail. The friend asks what in the world this means. The owner explains, "This means there are so many f**king ducks on that pond, he can't even count them."

Q: Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? A: He was having a bad hare day!

How do you make a monkey cry? Tell him Tarzan swings both ways.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Q: What do you call a bear that is cold? A: A burr.

Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? A: "I'm bakin'."

What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff!

A penguin's car breaks down and he has it towed to a repair shop. The mechanic tells him that he should have some information in about an hour. The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street so he wanders over while the mechanic works. He finds the vanilla is the best ice cream he's ever eaten and he eats it with messy and gluttonous abandon getting it all over his face. He goes back to the mechanic's to check on his car. The mechanic informs him, "It looks as though you've blown a seal." "Oh, no." replies the penguin "It's just some ice cream."