Jokes

Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? A: Because he was always spotted.

Mama Raptor and Papa Raptor were in court getting a divorce and the judge offered Baby Raptor a choice of which parent to live with. JUDGE: "Do you want to live with your mother?" BABY RAPTOR: "No! She beats me." JUDGE: "OK, then you can live with your father." BABY RAPTOR: "No! He beats me too!" JUDGE: "Well you have to live with someone. Who do you want to live with?" BABY RAPTOR: "I want to live with my Aunt Bertha in Toronto." JUDGE: "Is there any chance she'll beat you also?" BABY RAPTOR: "No sir. The Toronto Raptors don't beat anybody."

And then there was this guy from New York City visiting down in Alabama. He stopped into a local bar and ordered white wine. The bartender told him, “You got two choices in this bar: Beer or… beer.” …. “Okay,” the visitor replied, “I’ll have a beer.” ….. The bartender drew the beer and set it in front of the visitor. “You’re not from around here, huh?” …. ….. “No,” answered the visitor, “I’m from New York City.” …. …. The bar went quiet. The bartender asked, “So what brings you to our parts?” …. ….. “Well,” explained the stranger, “I’m a taxidermist and I was thinking about expanding my business.” …. …. “What’s a taxidermist?” asked the bartender. … … “Basically,” said the visitor, “I mount and stuff wild animals.” …. …. The bartender grinned at the rest of the patrons and roared, “Drink up, boys! He’s one of us!”

My tomcat used to stay out all night, so I took him to the vet and had him neutered. Now he still stays out all night - it turns out he likes to watch!

Q: Did you hear about the promiscuous reptile? A: It got gator AIDS.

Yo' Mama is so fat, the hippos at the zoo get jealous of her figure.

You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter? He didn't have the hare fare.

Q: What did the beaver say to the tree? A: "It's been nice gnawing you!"

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery. When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, “See the doggy?” Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me. However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, “See the baby?”

What’s the difference between goats and women?? Goats are always horney.

Mind if my hunting dog watches?

How do you make a cat be a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go 'WOOF.'

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a condom. The pharmacist asks, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" The duck replies, "What kind of duck do you think I am?"

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyes A: You never see a rabbit wears glasses.

Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with herpes? A: The guy who gave it to him.

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. "The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer. "Because it can program in C," answers the store owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology." The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner. "3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

Why do lions always eat raw meat? "Because they don't know how to cook."

You: Why did the chicken cross the road? You :To get to the idiots house. You : Knock, knock Them: Who's there? You: The chicken

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

White folks is my favorite thing on TV 'cause if you wanna see blacks or Latinos on TV, all you gotta do is turn on 'COPS.' White folks got your own TV show, though; it's called 'When Animals Attack.'

Why can't pigs tell a joke? Because they're such a bore.

A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased. "This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop. "My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop. "But how do we know which is which?" They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea. "Lets cut off this ones tail" The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail. The next morning The police chief is standing infront of the horses and looks really mad. The two cops see this and ask whats wrong. "You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!" "But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart." "Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one?!"

A bear is chasing a bunny when all of a sudden a djinni appears and grants them each three wishes. The bear, being very selfish, wishes that all the bears in his forest were female and instantly it is done. Then the bunny wishes he had a lifetime supply of carrots in his backyard. For his next turn, the bear wishes that all the other bears in his entire nation were female. The bunny wishes for a motorcycle. Finally on the last wish, the bear wishes that all the other bears on the whole earth were female. The bunny wishes that the bear was gay and rides home on his motorcycle.

Chuck Norris was sitting around a campfire with two cowboys. The cowboys were competing to see which one is more hardcore. The first one says," Once, I was charged by an angry bull. I proceeded to jump on its back and kill it by gorging its eyes out." The second says, " Once I was swimming in a river, and an annocanda tried to strangle me. I ripped its head off with my teeth." Chuck norris just smiles and continues tending to the campfire with his penis.

If you make a cow angry, how will she get even? She'll cream you.

Q: What does a perverted parrot say? A: Polly want a rim job.

Where do sharks come from? Sharkago.

A mans dog dies one day, and the man is very upset. His dog did everything for him. Washed the dishes. Bought things from the shop. The man was so upset, he decided to go and buy a new pet. Once at the pet store, he asked the manager, "Do you have any pets that will do anything for me? My dog has just passed away and I want something to replace him." The manager looks around. "We don't have much, I'm afraid. Just this centipede here" The man looks puzzled, but accepts the centipede anyway. Back home, the man tests the centipede out. "Go and bring me a beer from the fridge", he asks. The centipede got to work straight away. "Go and run a bath for me.“ The centipede did as asked once again. The man, before getting in the bath, asks the centipede "Pop to the shop and buy me a newspaper please.“ The centipede does this. An hour later, the man comes out of the bath, to find the centipede sitting at the bottom of the stairs, and hadn't yet gone to the shop. "I thought I told you to go to the shop?" The centipede replies "GIMMIE A CHANCE TO GET MI SHOES ON!"

Whats black and brown and looks good on a black guy? A Rottweiler.