Jokes

Q: What is red and black? A: A sunburnt zebra.

What does a frog say when it sees something' great? Toadly awesome!

Chuck Norris uses live piranhas as bath toys.

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Because they have such big fingers.

Q: Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? A: No, they do everything on porpoise.

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change. The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

I read that, apparently, 13% of young men living in rural America lose their virginity to livestock. That is not right -- those poor cows. I'm thinking of starting the first annual 'Take Back the Field' rally. I've got some slogans for the cows, like, 'Moo Means No!' Or, 'Hey, stop treating us like women and start treating us like pieces of meat!'

They say guys are dogs & girls are cats. That is true 100%, a dog will take a shit anywhere it needs to and not worry about cleaning after it, same as a guy that will get with another girl and not worry too much about covering his ass. Cats will do their dirt and the second they finish they will start to cover it or bury it in the sand, same as a girl that will get with a guy and as soon as she finishes she will try to cover it up in the best way for the guy not to ever find out about it. Hence the comparison of a guy to a dog and a girl to a cat

Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Q: What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant fart? A: One's a bar room and the other is a BAROOOOM!

I’m a scientist that’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs. …… …… I’ll be in my lab.

There are two cows in a field. One says to the other: "So what do you think of mad cow disease?" The other replies: "I don't know, I'm a chicken!"

I read somewhere that Alligators only have to eat once every three weeks... if only that Disney Alligator could have waited one more day.

You can lead a horse to water, but Chuck Norris can make it drink.

What do you give a deer with an upset stomach? Elkaseltzer.

The little snail begs for his mother: Mother, please let me pass the rail road! Thunder dear, not now. In five hours the train passes.

Q: Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, moo?" A: He was studying foreign languages.

Q: What do cows read in the morning? A: The daily moos.

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey, and my rooster got his foot stuck in your donkeys butt, what would you have? Two feet of my c*ck in your ass.

Thought I saw a kangaroo in my garden this morning so I ran down the stairs and went outside but it turns out it was just a dog taking a sh*t.

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut on board. After months of training, they placed all three in the shuttle and prepared for launch. Mission Control Center announced, "This is Mission Control to Monkey One. Do your stuff." The first monkey began frantically typing and the shuttle took off. Two hours later, NASA's mission control center announced, "This is Mission Control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff." The second monkey started typing like mad and the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks. Another two hours later Mission Control Center announced, "This is Mission Control to Astronaut... " At this, the astronaut shouted "I know, I know -- feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."

A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the cow and the pig. The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon." Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"

The Girl And The Elephant This girl woke up the morning after a wild party and found an Elephant in bed beside her. She said, Oh my Gawd, “I must have been tight last night.” The Elephant said, “You were the first time but the second time wasn’t so bad.”

A psychiatrist had no patients in his office and he was bored. Suddenly , the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs. His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic. He was holding strange objects in his hands. He was dragging cables along behind himself. The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed, "And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake..." The man shook his head. "Oh, sorry, I didn't notice your legs. You're a dragon, right?" The man shook his head again angrily. "Sorry... a worm?" The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces. "Go to hell, you idiot! I'm the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!"

A young lawyer was working on a farmer’s case, which asked compensation from the train company because one of they’re trains killed 24 pigs of his. At the High Court, wanting to make impression of the damage amount, the lawyer says: There were 24 pigs gentlemen! Twice as much than you!

What are cat-erpillars afraid of? Dog-erpillars.

There were three pigs. The first pig went to a bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The second pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The third pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, and was just going to leave. The bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom, the third little pig said, “No, I’m the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home.”

They say a dog is a man’s best friend. But I don’t even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a shit on my carpet.

Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they’d break.

How do you confuse a frog? Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner.