Jokes

Q: What kind of dog hears voices? A: A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He's the Easter Bungee.

Chuck Norris doesn't get shark attacked, the shark gets Chuck Norris attacked.

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back." "I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents." About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?" "Not so good, dude." "What's the problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant? A: Apologize and wipe it off.

I'm a vegetarian. We worshipped animals when we were growing up 'cause my mother was a cow. I'm kidding -- my father loves that joke.

Q: Why did the duck go to Brooklyn? A: To buy some quack.

What is a moo hoo for steak that came late? Filet delay.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because chickens weren't around yet.

Why do Polish dogs have flat faces? From chasing so many parked cars.

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were having a conversation one fine Sunday evening. One remarked to the other, ‘I got a new hearing device and it works fine?' The second said, ‘oh yes, my grandchildren just love the gifts of my choice.' The third one who noticed the hearing device in the ear of the first one asked, what kind is it?' The one with the brand new hearing device answered ‘about 6 O'clock'. All three of them looked up in the birds in the sky and said, "Birds of the same feather ‘flock' together."

What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? A rubbit!

What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten? An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never hurt anybody!

What do a bicycle, chicken, and frog have in common? They all have handlebars! Except for the frog and chicken.

At San Francisco’s airport last Tuesday, customs officials confiscated 20 giant millipedes. You should never bring a millipede on an airplane. There’s just not enough leg room.

What do you call a flying skunk? A smellicopter.

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!

What do you call a black baby pig? A niglett.

What is the slowest racehorse in the world? A clotheshorse.

Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female around is a gorilla on the other end of the island. After one whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up and says, “I’m so horny, I can’t take it anymore!” So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals right behind him. They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry puts the bag over the gorilla’s head. He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the nasty. The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free and she wraps it around Garry’s back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps them around Garry’s waist. She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in harder and harder. Garry yells to his buddies….”Get it off!! Get it off!! They said, “You’re on top, we can’t get her off of you.” Garry said… “No, I mean the bag… I want to fcuking kiss her!!!”

Two Bear Hunters Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking. "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one. "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second. "I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

How'd ya like to breach my sperm whale? Yar!

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear…. “Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?” … … The bear responds:”No thank you, I’m stuffed.”

Q. What's the similarity between penises and fish? A. You throw back the small ones, you keep the medium ones, and you mount the large ones.

What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her

The police came by my flat and said that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said, “you must be kidding, my dog doesn’t have a bike.”

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back home