Jokes

My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

What country do cows love to visit? Moo Zealand.

Why is a reindeer like a gossip? Because they are both tail bearers.

A Zoo Keeper gets raped by an Elephant… …He’s rushed to hospital for treatment. The doctor examines him and asks why his sphincter has been stretched out to 13 inches when an Elephant’s erect pen!s is only 5 inches wide. Weeping, the man says, “The dirty bastard fisted me first”!

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!" The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, every time the parrot went out. One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir section with her, and when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, ''The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!'' She was horrified and corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!" The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!"

My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away. That’s a bit far-fetched

Knock Knock Who’s there ? Cows ! Cows who ? Cows go ‘moo’ not who! Knock, Knock. Who’s there? Hoo. Hoo who? You sound like an owl! Knock Knock Who’s there ! Lion ! Lion who ? Lion on your doorstep, open up ! Knock Knock Who’s there ! Dragon ! Dragon who ? Dragon your feet again ! Knock Knock Who’s there ! Duck ! Duck who ? Just duck ! They’re throwing things at us !  

What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain? Stegosaur-rust.

Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?" Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor." Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?" Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."

Q: What does a vulgar chicken say? A: F**k, f**k, f**k...

Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies? A: A rotisserie chicken.

If I was a squirrel I'd chuck my nuts in your hole!

Q: How do you put an elephant into a Safeway bag? A: You take the "f" out of safe & the "f" out of way- wait, there's no "f" in way!

I've been thinking about you...Owl night long.

What's the difference between a ska band and a moose? A moose has horns in the front and its a**hole in the back, a ska band has...well...the opposite arrangement.

Q: What do you call a deaf dog? A: It doesn't matter; it can't hear you.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

A blind man with a guide dog comes to a town square, takes the dog by the tail and starts whirling him around. „What on earth are you doing?!" asks a passer-by. The blind man replies, „Nothing, just looking around a bit."

a duck walks into a bar and animal control is called bc it is unsanitary to have a duck in the bar

Q: What is a turkey's favorite dessert? A: Peach gobbler.

"Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the cow!" "Was it a Jersey cow?" "I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!"

Why, when the birds fly in the shape of a V, one line is shorter than the other? Because one line has more birds in it, duh.

Yo' Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.

Oh, You're 10? Ok, well here's an animal that can breath fire. - Prof Oak.

How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

What did the frog do when it'd had enough of life? Kermit-Suicide.

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck." The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?" The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."

Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?" Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."

Q: What do you call a masturbating bull? A: Beef Strokinoff.

Just got back home from holiday and my new puppy has caused a lot of problems. It shat everywhere, ripped all the furniture and then starved to death.