Jokes

What do you call a cow that fell in a hole? A hole-y Cow.

Why was the lion-tamer fined? He parked on a yellow lion.

Fed up with failure in preventing coyotes from killing his sheep, a rancher brought out his rifle to eliminate the pack. Suddenly, a federal bureaucrat rushed up and breathlessly screamed, "Wait, there's no need to do that. We've developed a new drug that renders them impotent." "I don't know what y`all do in Washington," drawled the rancher taking aim again, "but out here the coyotes eat the sheep."

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with “Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. “What you need,” he said, “is a female parrot too. I don’t have one on hand, but I’ll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives.” Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn’t care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn’t her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn’t changed. “Somebody’s gonna get it tonight! Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” the parrot said. The owl said, “Who? Who?” And the parrot said, “Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Bitch.

Q: What animal could Noah not trust? A: Cheetah.

I used to have an addiction to rolling around in pig sh*t but now I’ve been clean for almost 3 years.

Yo' Mama is so ugly, her dog closes its eyes when it humps her leg.

How do you stop a skunk from smelling? You hold his nose!

Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor? A: It drove down the lane and turned into a field.

Bob asked, "What do you think who has the best eyesight?" Jim replied, "Birds have the best eyesight." Bob asked, "Why?" Jim replied, "Because birds don't need to wear glasses."

A mean horseman went into a saddler's shop and asked for one spur. "One spur?" asked the saddler. "Surely you mean a pair of spurs, sir?" "No, just one," replied the horseman. "If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it!"

Lara Rabbit: "Do you think that's Sophie's natural color?" Zara Rabbit: "Only her hare dresser knows for sure."

Why was the cannibal looking peeky? Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg? Fake an orgasm.

What did Mariah Carey really wanted to sing: "All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer."

Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride. So get off your high horse.

What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets? Shoot the lawyer twice.

About a year ago, I bought an ant farm. What a waste!!! … Damn little critters never grew a single crop.

Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer? He wanted her to hit the hay!

What happens when you put the batteries in BACKWARDS in the Energizer Bunny? He keeps coming and coming and coming...

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens didn't exist yet.

Q. What’s got 4 legs and bleeds? A. Half a spider!

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

Q: What's the difference between Yo' Mama and a hippo? A: One has a big mouth and a fat ass. The other lives in rivers in tropical countries.

One day, while swinging through the jungle on a vine, Tarzan was passing close to the edge of a cliff when the vine broke, and he fell into the jungle far below. There he lay, in a coma for several days, before he was found by a jungle medicine man. The medicine man took him back to his hut, and did the best he could to repair, and heal Tarzan’s injuries. Weeks later Tarzan woke up and the medicine man told him of his injuries. “Tarzan,” said the medicine man “you were severely injured in the fall, and I had to use what I had available to heal you. You lost your arms, so I replaced them with those from a gorilla. You lost your legs, which I replaced with those from a kangaroo. But I fear your worst injury was the loss of your penis. But don’t worry, I was able to attach an elephant’s trunk which should serve you well.” He then told Tarzan to return in one month to up-date his progress. One month later, true to his word, Tarzan returned. The medicine man asked how he was doing. Tarzan said, “The gorilla arms have given me great strength.” He said. “I never need fear falling again. And the kangaroo legs have made one of the fastest creatures in the jungle. I can outrun just about any animal.” The medicine man asked, “but what of the elephant’s trunk that replaced your penis?” Tarzan replied, “It serves me well, I have only one problem. Every time I bend over, it stuffs grass up my ass.”

Anant goes to jungle. Looking at beautiful lake , he takes out dress and starts taking a bath. All animals starts laughing. He asks them why they are laughing ? They shouts laughingly. First time they are watching a animal with tail in front!

Q: Why can't black kids play in the the sandbox? A: Because the cats keep covering them up.

''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

What do you call a dinosaur that destroys everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

Q: What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A: A milk shake.