Jokes

Q: What do polar bears have that no other animal has? A: Polar bear babies.

cow 1: have you heard of that mad illness that's going around? cow 2: I'm glad we are penguins

Question: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig? Answer: A woman that doesn’t do what she’s told.

Q: Why did the pig leave the costume party? A: Because everyone thought he was a boar.

Q. What is the most popular name for a dog in Korea? A. Starter

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?" The baby mosquito replied, "It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!"

Kangaroo 911: "What's your emergency?" Kangaroo: "I can't find my children" Kangaroo 911: "Did you check your pockets?" Kangaroo: "Oh nevermind."

Q: How do you catch a polar bear? A: You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Why do milking stools only have three legs? 'Cause the cow's got the udder!

What newspaper do cows read? The Daily Moos.

What is a frogs favorite time? Leap Year!

Why did the frog cross the road? To see what the chicken was doing.

Q: What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A: A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!

A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

How do you make a small fortune out of horses? Start off with a large fortune!

What’s the difference between cats and dogs? Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark? A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass. If there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second hiker says, "What are you doing?" The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear? The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.

Q: What did one shark say to the other? A: "Airline food sure is bad these days."

My dog doesn’t always bark like there’s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I’m home alone and in the shower.

A man walks into a bar with his dog. … … “This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?” he asks. … …. “You can have one on the house,” the bartender says. … The man turns to his dog. “What goes on the top of a house?” … … Dog: RRRRoof!!!. … … Man: “What does tree bark feel like?” Dog: RRRRuufff! Man: “Who was the greatest baseball player ever?” Dog: RRRuth!!. The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. “That’s enough. You and your dog, get out.” After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?" Well... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

Q: What do you get if you mix a rabbit and a snake? A: A jump rope!

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

Labradoodles were made when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a Labrador and a Poodle at the same time.

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you? A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

What do you get when you cross a bulldog and a shih tzu? Bullshit!

Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts. "Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender. "Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."