Jokes

I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

I've always found the study of language intriguing. I had a linguistics professor who always said, 'It's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.' I wouldn't go that far. I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrarri? Porcupines have pricks on the outside...

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Q: What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common? A: They both lick their paws.

How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare.

Q: What do you call a cow that won't give milk? A: A milk dud.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

NASA put a bunch of cows into orbit. They call it the herd shot round the world.

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..." The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist." The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?" And the guy says, "Your light was on."

A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the other side!

Q: What do you call an elephant between two buildings? A: Stuck

The stupidest thing I noticed was a couple of weeks ago. I went to Sea World. Now, if you ever go to Sea World, take a minute to notice that they sell fish sandwiches at Sea World. What insensitive guy came up with this? It's like, if you're not doing a very good job as a fish, you can just get your little fish butt over to the restaurant.

Where do milk shakes come from? Nervous cows.

What did one skunk say to another? And so do you.

"May I buy half a rabbit?" "No, we don't split hares."

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. Im all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. Im all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. Were all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I m feeling **** cold and freezing!"

Loser: I would slap you but that would be animal abuse. Me: I would give you the hard stare afterwards but I'm too young to die

Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup." Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."

What do you call a monkey lost in a desert? Scewed

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A: The swallow.

Q: How many animals were on Moses ark? A: The ark wasn't Moses’ it was Noah.

What happened to the lost cattle? Nobody's herd.

Q: What kind of pillar can't hold up a building? A: A caterpillar.

I went hunting for the first time. I shot an elk. I felt really bad at first, but the guy was wearing a plaid leisure suit.

Just been sacked from my job as a wedding planner. I thought releasing birds would be romantic but apparently ostriches are dangerous animals.