Jokes

What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn? A Moles Royce.

If you’re feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die.

Q: Why was Tigger's head in the toilet? A: He was looking for pooh!

Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!

What US state has the most cows? Moosouri.

Most people think that when you find a discarded coin in your house it got there by accident but I actually think it was brought there by spiders trying to pay you rent.

Chuck Norris does not buy ground beef, he just takes a whole cow, runs it through his beard, and fully cooked hamburgers come out.

What's a rabbits favorite movie? Rabbits of the Lost Ark.

When you call a dog, they usually come to you. When you call a cat; they take a message.

Q. What's black and white and green? A. A frog sitting on a newspaper.

I just made my hamster a strong coffee. I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel.

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age. … … The circus owner told them, “I’m not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?” The girl said, “I’ll go first.” She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet. The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turned to the young man and asked, “Can you top that?” The young man replied, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

Chopping up onions is bringing a tear to my eye... He was a lovely little dog.

How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

If you're having a bad day just remember, in the movie Airbud some kid got kicked off the basketball team and was replaced by a golden retriever.

Yo' Mama is so ugly, they use her face to make animal crackers.

What’s orange and looks like a cat? A lion.

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur? A: Megasoreass.

A man walks into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, “You’ve got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!” A tortoise in the back shouts, “You bastard!”

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke." Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?" Me: "John" Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have." Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know? A lot?" Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy."

Chuck Norris could stab you with a worm.

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

One time when I was feeding the squirrels, I happened to catch sight of two rats who were looking on with obvious envy, and it hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they're just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.

What do you call an operation on a rabbit? A hare-cut.

An elephant asked a camel, “Why are your breasts on your back?” “Well,” says the camel, “I think that’s a strange question from somebody whose johnson is on his face.”

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

How about we spank each other and call ourselves even?

A man goes into a pub with a cat sitting on his head. The barman pulls him a pint and says,‘Look I don’t know if you know it but there’s a cat sitting on your head.’ ‘What of it?’ asks the man.‘I always wear a cat on my head on a Monday.’ ‘But today’s Tuesday,’ replies the barman. ‘Oh God.Is it?’ says the man. ‘I must look a right prat.’