Jokes

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Q. What did one frog say to another? A. You're such a WART!

S o ya see, little johnny is sitting in class one day, and the teacher is going to go over agricultural stuff, like farms, and what not. So she asks the class how does a farmer tell the weather on his farm, nobody seems to know, except of course, little johnny, who’s frantically waving his hand with the answer, so she decides to let him try to answer the question. Little johnny says: the farmer uses a weather vane to tell the weather!” ok, that wasn’t so bad, so the teacher then asks the class what kind of animal is the weather vane? again no one but little johnny seems to know the answer. Reluctantly she lets him answer. Little johnny says with a big ol smile on his face: “why teacher, it’s a cock!”, well the teacher sighs to herself well after all it is. So next the teacher asks the class: ” can anyone tell me why does the farmer use a cock on the barn as a weather vane?” Of course, the same dumb blank look on all of the kids faces, except of course, for little johnny, again she reluctantly allows him to answer the question, knowing she’s probably not gonna like the way he phrases it. Little johnny stands up in front of the whole class and sez with a really big grin on his face: “Its a cock, cuz as everyone knows if it were a c*nt, the f*cken wind would just blew right thru it!”

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

What do you get if you cross a skunk and an owl? A bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot.

Q: What is height of De-hydration? A: A cow giving milk powder.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, cows go moo!

A baby hedgehog lost itself, in the garden. Sad, he strolls from here to there, whereupon he bumps in a cactus and full of hope he says: Mama, is that you?

I can't believe that you were the sperm that won the race, and your still slow.

If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? The Captains Dinghy!

Q: Why is the barn so noisy? A: Because the cows have horns.

Reporter: Sir, may we interview you regarding your black and white cows! Farmer: Sure! Go ahead! Reporter: What do they usually eat? Farmer: Which one? The white or the black one? Reporter: The white one. Farmer: Grass! Reporter: How about the black? Farmer: Grass also! Reporter: (wondering) And where do you bathe them? Farmer: The white one or the black one? Reporter: The black one! (upset) Farmer: The river. Reporter: And the white? Farmer: The river too. Reporter (angry): Why do you always ask for the color when you came up with the same answer?! Farmer: Sorry, but you know why? The white cow is mine. Reporter: And what about the black one? Farmer: Mine too!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “I wonder what happened to this parrot?” The parrot replies, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.” “WOW!” the guy exclaims. “You actually understood and answered me!” “I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.” “Oh yeah?”, the guy asks, “Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?” “Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.” “Wow” says the guy, “you really can understand and speak English, can’t you!?” “Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.” The guy looks at the $200 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.” “Pssssssst” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!” The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes “Psssssssssssst” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.” “What are you talking about?” asks the guy. “When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately.” “WHAT?!” the guy asks incredulously. “Then what happened?” “Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over” reported the parrot. “My God!” he exclaims. “Then what?” “Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . .” “WELL???” demands the frantic guy, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?” “Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”

What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day? After a week he was spotless.

I have a lot of painful childhood memories. I remember when my cat died my mum tried to replace it. She thought I wouldn’t notice but I did and I killed that cat as well.

Why was the little bear so spoiled? Because its mother panda d to its every whim.

A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'” “That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.” “Thank you!” the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing not more than fifty feet from them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes. Then, as the bear slowly approached them, he furiously attempted to lace them up. The second man, somewhat confused, looked at the first man and said, "Whaddya doing? Running shoes ain’t gonna help! You can't outrun that there bear!" "I don't need to outrun the bear, buddy," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."

whats long pink and hairy?A caterpiller

Two goldfish are in a tank. One said to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee? A. Banned from the Zoo.

Q: What did the snail say when it caught a ride on the back of the turtle as it was crossing the road? A: "Yahoo!"

Just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of my penis. Definitely won't be shagging one of those again.

Q: What did the horse say when he fell? A: I've fallen and I can't giddy up!

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he’s there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, ‘I’ll have a C monkey, please’. The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying ‘That’ll be $5,000’. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, ‘That was a very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?’ ‘Oh’, says the shopkeeper, ‘that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.’ The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, ‘That one’s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?’ ‘Oh’, says the shopkeeper, ‘that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.’ The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shop keeper, ‘That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?’ ‘Well,’ says the shopkeeper, ‘I don’t know if it actually does anything, but says it’s a Consultant.’

On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and the Ł1.000 prize. "To be today's champion," the show's host smiled, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The blonde gave a sigh of relief because she had been given such an easy question. "Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and... Olive!" The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!'" "You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

What's red and green and goes at 100mph? A frog in a blender.

I saw a dog in a cage the other day with a sign saying “I bite”, and I thought, that’s very interesting dog, but that’s not the most important thing about you, you should make a sign saying “I make signs”.

If cats always land on their feet and toast always lands butter-face down, what happens when you drop a cat with buttered toast strapped on its back?