Jokes

What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!

(Winking) What's black and white, winks, and screws like a tiger?

What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry.

"Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Little Billy sits on his neighbour fence. After a while he asks surprised: Sir, how come your pig has only tree legs? Because I used only one leg for the stock.

Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.

Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story. "Once upon a time there was a white bunny..." "Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said. "Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...." "Dad, a little more grown up!" "Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!" "Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny..."

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks." The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks." They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

Coach: "Why are you late for the game?" Caterpillar: "I had to put my shoes on."

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops. A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps. A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it. A mouse sees the cheese sandwich and decides to wait for the hunter to shoot so that the sandwich will fall and he can get it. A cat sees the mouse and decides to wait for it to go for the sandwich to jump and catch it. So, the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water. The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It will take a minute for me to get hard I just got laid by a chick

If a cow poops in a fishtank with no fish in it, is it still a fishtank? Or is it now an entirely different entity?

The 4 AM infomercials keep stretching the limits. Now for Two payments of £19.95 (plus Shipping and Handling) you can order the DVD “Barn Animals Gone Wild.” I fell asleep about 4:15 AM so I didn’t find out the goodies they ALWAYS announce… “But wait! There’s MORE!”

Q. How can you tell if a guy likes Moosehead? A. By the antler marks on his thighs!

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because, if it had 4 doors it would be chicken sedan.

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

A guy walks into a bar with a 10 foot long alligator. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that animal outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'll get sued." The guy says, "No no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth, zips up his pants, and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

Which rabbit was a famous female aviator? Amelia Harehart.

I had to go round next door and look after my neighbour’s cat while he was away. Now there’s a great pile of crap and a puddle of wee on his kitchen floor. Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.

What is the most important use for cowhide? To hold the cow together.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says. A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. “Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!” “That must’ve been scary”, said the teacher. “It sure was”, said the little girl. “My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… And before he could say ‘fcuk’ , the Rottweiler ate him!”

What animal do you look like when you get into the bath? A little bear.

A horse goes into an Irish Pub and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

Q: What kind of key opens a banana? A: A monkey.

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present. The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage. He asked the clerk, “how much for the parrot on the right? The owner said it was $250. “$250”, the man said. “Well what does he do? “He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. “He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters.” The man then asked what the second parrot cost. The clerk replied, $500, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an expert computer programmer. Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot. The clerk replied, “$1,000.” Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird’s specialty was. The clerk replies, “Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything. But the other two call him ” Team Leader “!!

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack. The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight." The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."