Jokes

A blind man and his dog walks into a bar and the blind man starts swinging hid dog around the barman says, "What are you doing?" A blind man replies, "Nothing I'm just looking around!

There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didn't get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, "I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here." The string walks back to the table and tells his friends what the bartender said. "I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something to drink," said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here." So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened. The third string says "Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink." The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, "You a string?" "Frayed knot," he replies.

ƒ(x) walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

If you were beer, I'd be an alcoholic.

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks. After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below. "Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft! "The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below. The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits. "You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. "Yeah, except today is the last night."

Q: Why did god invent alcohol? A: So fat women can get laid too!

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

There's a lot of pressure on parents, man, just figured that out. Parents get blamed for everything now. Even when their kids are grown up and out of the house, parents are used as scapegoats. 'I'm a loser because my father's an alcoholic.' No, your father's an alcoholic because you're a loser.

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. ‘Do you realize what time it is,” she said. He answered, “Don’t get excited, I’m late because I bought something for the house. “Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, “What did you buy forth house, dear?” His answer was, “A round of drinks!”.

After having a problem with alcohol I’ve now decided I’m only going to drink on days beginning with the letter T… Tuesday. Thursday, today, tomorrow Taturday and Sunday.

Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

What job do rabbits at hotels have? Bellhop.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did she go to the other side? To go to the bar. Why did she go to the bar? To go to the toilet. Why did she go to the toilet? Because that's where all the cocks hang out.

Yo' Mama is like a saint -- a St. Bernard.

Once Odhiambo a dark kenyan man was travelling to london by air sitting next to a white lady with his pet monkey. Oodhiambo stood up and went to the washrooms and when he came back he found his bunch of bananas missing. He asked the white lady "Sorry your brother here ate them all" she said while patting the monkey. After a while the lady got up and went to the washroom to come back and find his pet monkey dead She inquired on the matter, Odhiambo camly replied "I killed it." "Why?" asked the lady. He replied "This is family matter it doesnt concern you."

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did! So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the bricks pigs' house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down." So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up. Out step three pigs named Louie, Vito,and Dominic. These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living heck out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in the wolf's mouth and fired. Then they got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins from North Jersey--the Guinea Pigs."

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg. That'll blow his little mind.

Chuck Norris can mess with the bull without getting the horns.

A plowhorse, a honeybee and an old geezer are debating about which of them is the greatest. 
The horse says, "I can plow all day long to provide food for dozens of people!" "
The bee says, "I pollinate all the plants every year and make honey besides!" 
 The old geezer says... (We're waiting...)

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is dog. The second is snake. And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.

If you think dogs can’t count, Put 3 biscuits in your pocket then give him only 2.

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.

Q: How do you know when it is cold outside? A: When your dog's d**k is frozen to the fire hydrant.

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"

How can you tell that elephants have been doing it in your garage? All your Hefty Bags are missing.

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo." The man replies "I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies."