Jokes

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?” The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”

A wife complained, “You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear...” The husband replied, “Sure honey, I’ll have a beer.”

What do alligators drink? Gator-aid!

Have you ever noticed that sibling toddlers converse with one another in what I call their 'mother tongue'. They can understand one another, and only they can understand one another. If you were one of these siblings and wish to revisit your mother tongue, take it from me, about ten shots of tequila ought to do it.

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, buddy. I can’t serve you.” “Why not?” the snake asks. “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

A man weaving up to a local bar orders a whiskey. The bartender Joe, noticing the condition of Tony, says, "I can't serve you Tony, you have had too much to drink." Tony walks around the block and comes in the side door and orders a whiskey. Joe again says, "You have had too much already. I can't serve you." Tony walks the block again and comes in the back door and orders a whiskey and before Joe has a chance to refuse him the drink, Tony says, "Hey Joe! How many places do you work at?"

Two emos walk in to a bar. One says, "We should hang out sometime!" The other says, "Sure, what tree?"

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling," said the bartender.

Drunkard #1: I will become the chief prime minister tomorrow! Drunkard #2: That's impossible... I haven't resigned yet.

One day in Oz, Dorothy, The Tin Man, The Cowardly Lion, and The Scarecrow were playing high stakes Texas Hold'Em Poker. Everyone put in their ante except for Dorothy. The Tin Man asked her, "We all put in our ante except for you. Where's your ante? Dorothy replied, "I thought I told you guys before. My auntie is in Kansas!"

Three guys walk into a bar... You would've thought the third one would've ducked.

I've been having problems with annoying phone calls lately... The most common one seems to be the nightly, "You said you'd be home from the bar 2 hours ago!" call.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head, sits down and orders a drink. Bartender serves the pirate his drink, and asks about the paper towel. The pirate smiles and says, "That be the bounty on me head!"

An ant walks into a bar with his good friend Mister No, who is not an ant. The bartender says, "I'm sorry. We only serve ants here." The ant says, "But this is my good friend Mister No." The bartender says, "Sorry, but I don't take No for an ant, sir."

As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police, who arrested him. Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had"? he asked me. "I had him arrested," I replied. My friend paused for a second and asked, "How badly did he play"?

Text message from husband to his wife: A very nice Highway Patrol officer asked me if I was drinking. I jokingly replied, "That depends, are you buying?" Tough crowd. Please send bail money.

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo." The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too." The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink. "Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!" The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"

"If you could choose drinking wine every day or being skinny which would you choose?" "I'd choose red or white."

On New Year's Eve, Patty stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted everyone to be standing next to the one person who made their life worth living. As the clock struck 12, chaos erupted as the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Tequila is an excellent teacher... Just last night it taught me to count... One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

Whenever I hear the expression, "the bar is high".... I can't help but think, "Oh great! I need a step-stool just to get a drink?"

Dear Alcohol, We had a deal... you would make me prettier, funnier and a better dancer. I just saw the video of the company Christmas party. WE NEED TO TALK!

A husband is having a beer at the pub with his friends when he sends an email to his wife. "What are you emailing her?" asked one. He reads his message out loud, "Having a beer with the boys. If I'm not home in twenty minutes, read this email again."

Three irishmen walk out of the bar at the same time... Well, it is possible in theory!

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.” A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.” The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!” The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.” To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

A man walked into a bar with a banana on his head. As he served him, the bartender said, "Look, I don't know if you realize this, but you've got a banana on your head." "That's okay," said the man. "I always wear a banana on my head on Tuesdays." "But today's Wednesday," said the bartender. "It's not, is it?" groaned the man. "Oh no! I must look like a complete idiot!"

Sign on wine truck... In case of ACCIDENT: BRING LOTS OF CHEESE AND CRACKERS!!!

Two drunk friends called a private taxi. The taxi arrived and saw how drunk and noisy they were. The driver realized the trip would be difficult given their condition. He told them to get in and pretended to drive the stationed vehicle. A few minutes later he told them they had arrived at their destination. The passengers got out and shouted at him saying, "Was it necessary to drive so fast?"

A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight." The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!" The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, two rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!" With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna pay me too?"

Word got out in a old Western town that Black Bart escaped from Jail and was heading that way. The townsfolk gathered in the saloon to discuss what to do next since the sheriff was out of town. "How will we recognize him? It's been so long since anyone actually saw him and lived to tell about it," said the town's barber. "I heard he could eat bullets and kill you by just spitting," said the hotel owner. All of a sudden, a kid runs into the saloon and yells, "Someone's coming and I think it's Black Bart!" Sure enough a huge 6 ft tall rugged, tough-looking, bearded, black clothed cowboy with an eye patch and a long scar down the left side of his face and huge muscular arms and chest came walking through the saloon doors. Only sound you could hear was his spurs as he walked up to the bar. No one dared to move or utter a sound; too frightened to move. He looked around at all the townsfolk, hiding behind tables and chairs holding their breath. He walked up to the bar and took out his gun and banged it on the counter. The bartender yelped. He yelled to the bartender hiding behind the counter, "Git up and give me a whiskey!" The bartender poured him a shot glass of whiskey. He took the glass, drank it down, then ate the shot glass. Two women fainted and the sound of teeth chattering could be heard behind the piano. The bartender nervously asked, "Would you like another glass sir?" "Naw. I need to go. Hav'ta leave town," he said. "You're leaving so soon?" the bartender asked, puzzled. "Heck yeah! Didn't you hear? Black Bart's coming this way!"