Jokes

A high school student is in the counselor’s office. “So tell me, what things interest you? “I’d like to cut people open and run my fingers through their liver and heart!” The counselor chuckle and after a long pause says, “Well, I guess that means you’ll either be a surgeon or psychotic killer. Tell me more about yourself.” The student paused for a minute and said; “Well, to start with, I’m never wrong.” “Other people adore me and do exactly as I say…or if they don’t, they should.” The counselor smiles and says; “Surgeon it is!”

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts. Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions. Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk. Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider: - Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females. - Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event. Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like. Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice. Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky. And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.

Going to the travel agent’s office, the moron said, “I’d like a round-trip ticket, please.” “Where to?” the agent asked. “Why, back here, naturally.”

A perplexed Antartian female runs into a local police station. "Somebody has stolen my car!!" she proclaims loudly. The officer at the desk replies, "Settle down ma’am. Everything is going to be o.k. Now, did you get a description of the suspect?" "No", the young Antartian replies. "But I did get the license plate number."

A couple is driving... Cop: Sir, you realize that you were speeding. Husband: Im sorry officer, I didnt know. Wife: What the hell, thats a lie Ive been telling him for miles!! Husband: Shut up!! Shut the f*ck up!! No one is talking to you!! Cop: Ok then, did you know that your license plate was expired? Husband: No Officer, I didnt know. Wife: He's lien!! I've been telling him for months!! Husband: Shut the hell up BITCH nobody's talking to you!!! *cop walks over to the wife's side and says* Cop: Mam, does he always talk to you this way? Wife: No. only when he's drunk.

An old lady walked into a newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper. The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M." The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece. The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died. '57 Chevy truck for sale."

An police officer pulls a car over and said, sir you have won a $300 reward for winning a driving the safest contest. The officer asked the driver, sir what are you going to don with the money. The driver replies I will go get my drivers license. Then his wife in the passenger seat jumps into the comversation and said that my husband is a bit stupid when he's drunk officer. Then a guy wakes up in the back seat and yells I knew we were not going far with this stolen car. Then there was a thump in the trunk and a voice said have crossed the border yet.

I got caught in police speed trap yesterday. The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you " Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.

Just had a great idea to create an app for unemployed people called Poke-Job. You just have to walk to the nearest unemployment office and try to catch a Jobisaur or a Careerichu.

A boy walks into the school nurse's office. Nurse: Why are you here? Boy: I’m sick Nurse: sick of what? Boy: The teacher

Yet again one of my jokes was freaking stolen by a stupid bastard that just re-worded it to make it seem like it was theirs but it's very obvious that it's been stolen. To the person who typed THIS: 'An police officer pulls a car over and said, sir you have won a $300 reward for winning a driving the safest contest. The officer asked the driver, sir what are you going to don with the money. The driver replies I will go get my drivers license. Then his wife in the passenger seat jumps into the comversation and said that my husband is a bit stupid when he's drunk officer. Then a guy wakes up in the back seat and yells I knew we were not going far with this stolen car. Then there was a thump in the trunk and a voice said have crossed the border yet.' Please, if you see this joke, vote LAME. It was stolen. I am the creator of the one where they win $1000, it's pretty obvious it was stolen. Mine was done ages ago, but this was done a few days ago. Thanks bastard. Sincerely, A very pissed person.

A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead. "We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy. "Don't worry," said Bubba. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking." They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked, "You boys been drinking?" "No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels. "Me and Billy are on the patch."

There were three guys in a hot air balloon, one said "We have too many of these." And droped a piece of wood. The second guy said "We have too many of these." And droped a brick. The last guy said "We have too many of these." And droped a bomb. On the ground was a police officer who found a guy crying, "Why are you crying?" "A plank of wood hit me on the head!" he replies. On the officer went. He then saw another guy crying, "Why are you crying?" "A brick hit me on the head!" he replied. On he goes then sees a guy laughing. "Why are you laughing?" He asked. "I farted and the building behind me blew up!"

My secretary just entered my office and said: ‘We got a letter again from our office in the Sahara. They’re writing that they have a very serious water shortage’ ‘Well’, I said, ‘there’s always a water shortage there - it can’t be that urgent’ ‘I think it’s urgent this time’, my secretary said, ‘the stamp is put on the envelope with a paperclip…’

The police asked me to identify what they thought was my wife’s body. They pulled the sheet back to show her face. “I can’t be certain.” I told them. The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts. “Sorry, but I’m still not sure.” They took the sheet completely off and I had a good look. “That’s definitely not her, Officer. My wife’s at home!

Office executive "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?" Boss "Certainly not!" Office executive "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."

An airline ticker office in Copenhagen reminds you: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”

Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake." Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?" Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."

Q: What did the football say to the football player? A: I get a kick out of you.   Q: Which two words have the most letters in them? A: Post office.

Two dumb fishermen are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first fishermen. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden. "But officer," replied the second fishermen, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left. As soon as he was out of sight, the fishermen started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

An elegantly dressed woman entered the business office and approached an executive. “Sir,” said the lady, “I am soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?’ “Sorry,” replied the exec, “but I contribute directly.”!

A fellow decided to take a bicycle ride from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He rode the first hour or so, and then got very tired, as the ride is mostly uphill. So he decided to hitchhike. For about a half an hour no one came, then a corvette stopped and offered a ride. The biker looked at the car and said I can fit in the car, but what about my bike? The driver said no problem, I have a rope in the trunk and I will tie one end on the bumper and the other end on the bike and I will pull you. I will go kind of slow and if I get going too fast just honk your horn and I will slow down. So they took off and every thing was fine until another corvette just flew past them. Not to be out done, the driver stepped on the gas to catch him. Well, they drove through a speed trap. The first police officer radioed the second and said, “You have two corvettes coming at you doing about 120 MPH, and you won’t believe this, but there is a guy on a bicycle behind them honking to pass.”

A sign posted in a Dentist's office said: "Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too."

When you work in an office, they have a lot of bogus incentives, right? They're like, 'If you work hard this week, next Friday is going to be jeans day! Yeah, jeans!' And people lose their mind, right? They set garbage cans on fire, throw Molotov cocktails in the break room, high fives are given out everywhere -- 'My job sucks less in jeans, yeah!'

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out... MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are  instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"... ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the  majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut,  have lunch, and mail a letter! MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager." SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager." CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned." Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says: "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" "Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is. “That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper. “$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric. “Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?” The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there. “Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?” At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. “Damn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric. The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.