Jokes

Masturbating makes your dick smaller. Don't believe me? Asians have really fast internet. Africa doesn't.

Artery: Study of paintings Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria Barium: What to do when treatment fails Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U Ceasarean Section: District in Rome Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty Cauterize: Made eye contact with her Coma: Punctuation Mark Congenital: Friendly D & C: Where Washington is Dilate: To live long Enema: Not a friend Fester: Quicker Genital: Non-Jewish Hang Nail: Coat Hook Impotent: Distinguished, well known Labor pain: Hurt at work Morbid: Higher offer Nitrate: Cheeper than day Node: Was aware of Outpatient: Person fainted Post op: Letter Carrier Recovery Room: Place to apholster Rectum: Dang near Killed Him Rheumatic: Amorous Secretion: Hiding something Tablet: Small table Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport Tibia: Country in North Africa Tumor: More than One Urine: Opposite of 'you're out' Varicose: Nearby Vein: Conceited

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary replied, "I just peed in the soup!"

HOW DO YOU CAUSE A RAVE IN AFRICA ? STICK SOME TOAST TO THE CEILING

J ohn came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures. “I was out in the jungle,” he said, “when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it. As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion’s face.” “That’s some story there, John, I would have messed my pants.” “Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON…???”

There was this group on Facebook called ‘Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat’. So I became a fan.

Little Johnny was always late for school. When asked why he said he had to eat his popsicle. Without thinking the teacher told him to eat half his popsicle and save the other half in his pocket. Next day Johnny was on time. The teacher had history class. "What are the people in Asia called", she asked a student. "Asians", said the student. "What are the people in Africa called". "Africans" said the student. Then she asked Johnny, "What are the people in Europe called", but Johnny didn't know so the girl behind him whispered, "Euro pean." To that Johnny said, "No I'm not, that's just my popsicle."

When visiting South Africa, Daniel the Englishman asked a South African the question: "Why is it that some South Africans say 'Ja' (pronounced as "ya") while others say 'Yes' if they have the same meanings?" "Clever people say 'Yes' while stupid people say 'Ja'," was his reply. "So, are you clever?" asked Daniel. "Ja," replied the South African.

Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse Now we have a native animal in Africa called the giraffe

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?" "Africa," says the parrot.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

Q: What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa? A: A good start.

They say money is the root of all evil which is why I never give any money to Africa. They have enough problems already.

So there's a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican. They find a genie's lamp, they rub it, and poof appears the genie! The genie goes to the black guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" The black guy goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be back in Africa, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted. Then, the genie goes to the Mexican and asks, "What's your one wish?" The Mexican goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be in Mexico, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted. Now, the genie goes over to the white guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" and the white guy asks, "You mean to tell me that all the black and Mexican people are out of America?" The genie replies, "Yes." So the white guy goes, "Then I'll have a Coke."

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened. “Is the housewife in?” he asked. The servant replied: “Just a moment.” The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years. Husband: Guess what? I am rich. Wife: How? Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast. Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed…and I got REAL rich.

Shrien Dewani’s trial has collapsed in South Africa and tonight he’s a free man… Although if you ask me, he’s been a free man since the night his wife was shot dead.

Oscar Pistorius has now understood the enormity of his crime and has learned after this terrible ordeal. Next time he wants to kill a woman in South Africa, make sure she’s black.

The sound of people eating irritates the shit out of me. So I moved to Africa.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?" "I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children." "Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the gates she went. To the next, he asked the same question: "So what did you do on Earth?" "I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love." "How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter." And in she went. He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?" After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO." St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also." "Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in." "Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days..."

A man had come back from his hunting trip in Africa. He Gloats to his friend about the Giant, silver back Gorilla he had spent the whole time tracking. "All I had on me to kill it was my lucky Cricket Bat, my Hunting Rifle with only one bullet, and my two Hunting Knives" explained the man. "Did you kill it in the end?" asked his friend. "Sure did" Grinned the man. "It was quite tricky, but I did" "How so?" said the friend. "Well" he explained, "when I had finally found the beast, I first attempted to knock it out with my bat, but the brute snatched it out my hand, pushed me aside, and snapped it half. Angry at loss of my lucky bat, I preceded to load my one bullet into my rifle and fired at the animal, but the swift git was quick enough to dodge it. I was furious at this point, I threw my gun the floor, and in my rage I took out both of my knives and threw them at him, but the cheeky bastard managed to catch both of them in mid air" This left the friend confused, so he finally asked the man "had did you manage to kill it then?" "Well you see" explained the man "after it had caught my knives, it started to beat it's chests shouting AaaaaAAaaaaAAaaAAaaaa!"

Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives. One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary’s the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the “main course” at dinner that night. “Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief,” says the Missionary, “you’re jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and how there’s one black one amongst them.” The Chief thinks for a moment, “OK!” says the Chief, “You say nothing, and I say nothing.”

Why can't children in Africa use Medicine? Because on the back it says, use after meal.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, "magic dildo" and then the place she wanted the magic dildo to be and it would appear there. Well a week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "magic dildo, vagina." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure. One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. The wife was feeling really confident and called out "magic dildo, vagina." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop. The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs. "Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and its causing me to loose control!" The officer, not buying it, simply replied "Magic dildo, my ass."

Gary grew up in Mitchell’s Plain, a typical suburb of Cape Town, South Africa, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Mitchell’s Plain, because he could be a big man there. He opened his new Law Office. The first day, he saw a man coming up the steps to his new office and decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Gary picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, while talking. “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.” This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Gary rattled instructions. Finally, Gary put down the phone and turned to the man. “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?” The man replied, “I’m from Telkom, I’ve come to install your telephone service.”

When Chuck Norris visits Africa, the animals are required to stay in their cars.

Why is there no gambling in Africa? Cause theres too many Cheetahs!

I just read about this terrible thing that goes on in parts of the world, parts of west Africa and parts of the Middle East. A woman turns of age -- as a ritual, they cut off her clitoris: genital mutilation. This is awful. I heard about this, I thought, 'Oh my God, no matter how much I complain about our country, I should be thankful this will never be a ritual here 'cause the men here don't know where the clitoris is.'