Jokes

Q: Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant? A: The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.

Q: What is the definition of an extroverted tax accountant? A: Someone who stares at YOUR shoes when talking to you.

Q: How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? A: When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.

Q: How do you know you've got a good tax accountant? A: He's had a loophole named after him.

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? A: The accountant knows he's boring.

Q: Why do economists exist? A: So accountants have someone to laugh at.

An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip. He notices there a machine with the indication: "Put A Dollar in the Slot and the Machine will Tell you who you are!" Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and he waits. The machine suddenly sounds; "You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago." The man blacked out with the machine's ability. So, he decided to trick the machine. He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot. "You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago," says the machine. "But it's impossible!" screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine. He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab. Then, he did the same routine. "You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago." Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot. -You're John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you.. lost the train!

How do you know you have a great CPA? He has a tax loophole named after him.

A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division. He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two". The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it." The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001." Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four." Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

Q: If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say? A: "Darling, could you tell me about your work."

Q: Why does Santa have an accountant in the USA? A: So he can avoid Gift Taxes.

Student:Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher:What are you gonna do over there? Student: Make a boat and travel to Africa?! Teacher: What kind of comeback is that !? Student: Sorry I can't talk right now, I got Ebola from Africa because I'm teachers stupid enough to beileve me..

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Just met a really hot girl who was from a tribe in South Africa, we just clicked.

A grandmother in South Africa celebrated her 100th birthday on Saturday by going skydiving. It’s pretty impressive - most people turning 100 usually go the other direction in the sky.

In Africa, in a hospital, a black man entered armed - he had a knife on him - stick in his back!

Just read about those poor primitive people in Africa who believe Ebola isn’t an illness but a curse placed upon them by evil spirits. Such a shame they can’t see through that mumbo jumbo and superstition like us in the West. I’ll pray for them at mass on Sunday.

Black man walked into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder.  The bartender asks, "Where did you get it?"  The parrot says, "Africa…"

Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees. “Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.” The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!” The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then-just now when I said roar!”

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together? Giant holes all over Africa!

I put on some Lynx Africa yesterday. As soon as I left the house, I was surrounded by flies.

How do you start a rave in Africa? Glue toast to the ceiling.

What’s the most positive thing in Africa? HIV.

A group of tourists in Africa were enjoying a guided tour into bush country to observe the wild life. The guide announced, “Don’t be surprised if you see an elephant wearing sunglasses.” One of the tourists asked why an elephant would be wearing sunglasses. The guide answered, "Well, they do this to so they can go unnoticed at the beach." The tourist then said, "That’s preposterous! My hotel is on the beach and I’ve never seen an elephant." The guide replied, "I guess it works."

‘Teen held for rape in South Africa’ No shit.How else are you supposed to rape them?

I hear that McDonald’s has branches in Africa now. The customers must prefer them to tables and chairs.

Why is there no gambling in Africa? -Too many Cheetahs!

My friend told me he wanted to see Africa and experience seeing people of a different skin color... Later, I had to tell him KFC didn't count as a place.

So this guy walks in to a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks dude where did you get that. And the parrot answers in Africa theres millions of them.

Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone… “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” A voice from near the front pierces the silence… “Well, fcuking stop it then you Cunt!!”