Jokes

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passed

Yo mamma so fat the Satellite people where wondering why there was two Africa's.

Why don't animals play poker in Africa? Because they're cheetahs.

Q: Where can you find the biggest amount of the largest sized women's lingerie in the world? A: In Africa: there's thousands of Z bras.

Yo mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch she uses North America, South America, Europe, and Africa

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.” A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Husband Wanted”. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.” A young son asked, “Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.” Then there was a woman who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.” Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.” ” A Woman’s Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death “

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion Barry: "The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather." "I promise you a police car on every sidewalk." "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate." "First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl." "Bitch set me up." "I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less." "The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist." "I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?" "People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are." "The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice." "I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican." "What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" "People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!" "I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa? A good start.

Why is gambling illegal in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs!

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY - Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas. - Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money. - Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty. - Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit. - Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer. - Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors. - Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future. - After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there… MALE GEOGRAPHY - Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe or America : ruled by a dick…

The other day I'm driving down the freeway in L.A., I cut a guy off by accident. This guy goes out of his way to weave through traffic, gets right up next to me and goes, 'Hey pal, why don't you go back to Africa?' You know, like there's a bridge at the end of the 10 freeway.

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!” “Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?” “Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.” “Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another. Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom. "Tom what’s going on?" Mark asked. "It’s my wife Beckie," Tom replied. "She ran off with my best friend!" "Hey wait a second!" Said Mark. "Aren’t I your best friend?" "Not any more," Tom said with a happy smile. "He is!"

You say "Alcoholism". I say "Liver Crossfit".

It's better to be a worldwide alcoholic, than an Alcoholic Anonymous.

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!

I drink to steady my nerves. Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act.’ "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, “Dave, you look like shit.” “Last night was crazy.” I replied. “What happened?” he asked. “Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk,” I replied. “And we ended up going back to Trevor’s girlfriends flat and having a threesome.” “Don’t you mean a foursome?” he asked. “No, she was out.”

College student 1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student. 2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match. 3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal. 4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents. 5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles. 6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping. 7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II). 8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads. 9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car. 10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip). 11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light. 12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself. 13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night. 14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't 15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week 16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it tastes terrible. 17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy 18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class 19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them 20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class 21. If your social life consists of a date with the library 22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap 23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room 24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have 25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class 26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn 27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter 28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over 29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference) 30. If you have built up a tolerence for beverages (he he he) 31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself 32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis 33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room 34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles 35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo 36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes 37. If you get more e-mail than mail.

Q: What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much? A: A beer-a-cuda!

A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman’s boobs and splashes all over them… The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!   He is lying on the floor moaning, “Jeez lady… Why do you let the bartender do it?” “Helloooo!”, says the blonde, “He has a licker license!”  

A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "get out, we don't serve ropes in here!" The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" And the rope replied "no, I'm a frayed knot."

A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks over to him and says "Hey, I couldn't help but notice when you walked in. Is that a steering wheel hung between your legs?" "Aye!" replied the pirate, "And it's drivin' me nuts!"

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him. "I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol." "Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle? A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

I think the holidays are important because that's when you go home and do some alcoholic drinking and compulsive overeating with your dysfunctional families.