Jokes

The receptionist at Howard University answers the phone: "Good morning, Howard U."

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

There was a farmer in the field with his cows and he counted 196 of them... but when he rounded them up, he had 200.

What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After noticing there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar, he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to give it a try?” The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, no thanks. The steaks are too high!”

The young couple admired the scarecrow they saw along the road. "Look at that," said the girl. "Not a crow in sight." The boy looked at the scarecrow and said, "Good job scarecrow!" To their surprise the scarecrow replied. "Hay, it's in my jeans."

A cowboy adopted a dachshund... ... So he could get a long little doggie.

One day a large number of forest animals were watching two skunks having a knock-down, drag-out argument. The argument was pretty even, so they each turned their backs on the other and let go with their odor, spraying each other. An old bear standing on the side said, “I guess they each had to get in their two scents worth.”

"What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?" asked the curious boy. His mother took a deep breath and then replied, "It wooden go."

Why did the hot dog put on a sweater? Cause he was a chilly dog!

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Research shows these are the top US vacation destinations according to occupation: Artists... Painted Desert, Arizona Athletes... Olympia Heights, Florida Candy Makers... Carmel, Indiana College Professors... University City, Missouri Ecologists... Green Bay Wisconsin Firefighters... Smokey Mountains Geologists... Stone Mountain, Georgia Gossip Columnists... Grapevine, Texas Helicopter Pilots... Hoover, Alabama Home Builders... New Castle, Pennsylvania Jewelers... Pearl City, Hawaii Landscapers... Garden City, Michigan Lawyers... Accident, Maryland Loan Officers... Fairbanks, Alaska Lumber Jacks... Thousand Oaks, California Manicurists... Finger Lakes, New York Optometrists... Plainview, New York Pastors... Chapel Hill, North Carolina Pianists... Florida Keys Podiatrists... Arches National Park, Utah Politicians... Dodge City, Kansas Real Estate Salesmen... Loveland, Colorado Refrigerator Repairmen... Chilum, Maryland Retired Army Officers... East Point, Georgia Sailors... Marina, California Sheriffs... Marshalltown, Iowa Tree Trimmers... Long Branch, New Jersey TV Evangelists... Paradise, California

What do you call a large pile of kittens? A MEOWtain!

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

Why does Mozart hate chickens? They always say, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

Can February March? Don't know, but April May.

I'm getting mighty fed up with these sheep-human hybrids! What is with ewe people!?

During the mating season a whale couple was trying to get a pregnancy started. They were interrupted by a whaling ship that tried to capture them. They resorted to running away and hiding behind a reef but the whaling ship kept looking for them. The male whale got upset and said "This is too much. We are going to retaliate. I have a plan", he told his mate. "Let's swim under the whaling ship and with our blow holes blow hard and make boat rock. When the sailors fall into the ocean, we can swim up and gobble them up? What do you think?" he asked. She looked a bit bored and said, "Well, I don't mind the blowing but I won't swallow any seamen."

Johnny, a farmer's son, was having lots of trouble in getting dates. He asked his best friend for some pointers. The first thing you have to do is to do something to attract her his friend advised. So Johnny went home and hugged his John Deere.

On which side does a Zebra have more stripes? On the outside.

A Grammar freak arrogant wife texts to her husband... You are as useless as "ueue" in the word Queue.

If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware? I dunno, Al-ask-a.

Q: What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs? A: A condescending con descending.

Q. What did the Indian say when the herd of Buffalo ran over his boy? A. Bison

"Hey, did you hear about the Kidnapping on the weekend?" Everything's OK he woke up!

Q: What part of a car is the laziest? A: The Wheels, they are always tire'd.

A guy at the office was at the water fountain, when his co-worker asked, "Did you hear about the guy who got run over by a boat in Venice?" "Yeah - he's gondola better place."

What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”

The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list. “What is it?” she asked. “Stephen, with a P-H,” I said. Minutes later, a chair opened up, and his name was called….."Pheven"?

Johnny’s Father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M