Jokes

1. The bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was used to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10. I did not object to the object. 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row. 13. They were too close to the door to close it. 14. The buck does funny things when does are present. 15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18. After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

It's time for me to get a new masseuse... The one I have now just rubs me the wrong way!

I've only got one thing to say about Fruit of the Loom... I'll be brief, but....

When a redhead goes bonkers, ginger snaps!

I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Did you know that 76% of all people who come to this country come with Cataracts? The rest have Lincoln Continentals.

We're going on a class trip to the Dr. Pepper factory... I hope there's no pop quiz.

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system... "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

I met the girl of my dreams at church yesterday. While we were rhythmically and repeatedly singing the same words over and over again to a hypnotic drum beat, we both landed eyes on each other from across the room. I guess you could say we met by chants.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours... So they decided to call it a day.

Never discuss your personal business with bank tellers. Why? Because they're tellers!

A panhandler who was new to the business asked the advice of an old pro who has worked the streets for years. After hours of intensive training the old pro was ready to send the tenderfoot out. "Don't forget what I taught you, Frank," Bob told him. They walked to the corner of a busy street. "Go get 'em, Frankie boy. Here comes a guy who looks like he's got some dough." Frank walks up to the man and immediately starts his routine. "Hey man, got a quarter for a cup of coffee?" "No." "How about a dollar for a Mickey D's? C'mon man, I'm hungry!" "I said no!" "Then how about letting me use your credit card for some clothes??" "Are you kidding me?" "Can I borrow your car to visit my sick mama?" "Get lost! "Then just let me stay at your house until I get back on my feet." "I'm calling 911!" Dejected, Frank walks back over to Bob and asked him what he did wrong. "You violated the number one rule of begging," Bob told him. "What's that?" "Don't put all your begs in one ask-it!"

A gentleman enters a restaurant and asks the waitress what was on special. She replied, "Today we have lobster tales for 50 cents." He said, "I'll take a dozen!" She told him since it was a special he would have to pay in advance which he did. Then she said, "Are you ready for your first tale?" He assured her he couldn't wait. Then she began... "Once upon a time there was this little lobster....."

Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg

Relish today, Ketchup tomorrow.

She claims we met at the vegetarian club, but I’d never seen herbivore.

If #2 pencils are the best, why aren't they called #1 pencils?

A family enters a large store. After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store. They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter. It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement. After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time. The assistant replies, "Isn't it obvious? It's our seal of approval."

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

My neighbor was complaining about how bad she needed new tires and how much they cost. I told her to start putting her extra change in a jar with a label reading, "Re-TIRE-ment Fund".

"Look! There's Linda Rondstadt!" "Where? Where is she?" "Right there! Here she comes, running full speed, right at you!" "I still don't see her." "You idiot! She just Blue Bayou!"

A robber walked into a music store and then everybody got down!

I didn't know that I had dyslexia, until I accepted an invitation to a TOGA party.... and arrived dressed as a GOAT.

Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match... They want to catch him before he strikes again!

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

What do you call a cow eating grass? A land moo'er.

Q. What day do you sneeze the most? A. Ah Tuesday

A lady goes into a butcher shop. She says to the butcher, "can I have a pound of kiddlelees?" The butcher looks at her and says, "you mean kidneys don't you?" The lady looks at him and replies, "I said kiddlelees diddle I?"

A lady goes up to a railroad ticket window and says to the agent, "twotoDeluth." The agent looks back at her and replies, "tweetdiddleleet, where do you want to go lady"?

I saw a Broadway show about puns... It was the ultimate play on words.