Jokes

December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt. Others insist on a pair of socks. The argument always ends in a tie.

What did the monkey say after its tail got caught in the lawnmower? Won't be long now...

Rule number one when it's your first day on the job as a butler... When your employer tells you to "Draw my bath," DO NOT take out a pencil and a sheet of paper.

I asked my friend Jim about our mutual friend Inge. She seemed down and depressed. Jim answered, "She used to be the 'Bell of the Ball'. But nobody ever tolled her!"

What do you do when you see a SPACEMAN? You park your car in it!

Did you hear about the vampire bike that went around biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle...

As a young boy I asked my grandpa when the rain was going to stop. He replied with a twinkle in his eye, "If this rain keeps up... it won't come down!"

Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision. "Who should go, Clark or Lois?" He actually did some praying, which he hadn't done for a long time. He asked, "Please. Show me a sign." That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Walmart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer. The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go." After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, "Chief - how did you know which one of us should go?" Perry said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at Walmart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE."

What's another word for thesaurus?

I wrote a short story about a carnival, that I blogged on the internet. I called it my, "Fair e-Tale."

Charlie Brown, Lucy, and Linus started their own business... However, no one wants to come work for them because no one wants to work for Peanuts.

Have ever wondered why it is called MENopause and not WOMANopause?

Irony: The opposite of wrinkly

Teacher: What did Napoleon do? Child: He pulled his bone apart!

The boss over heard an employee singing during work and it sounded awful. He asked, "Is that in the key of L?" Puzzled, the employee says, "Key of L? I'm not really sure?" The boss replies, "Well it sure sounds like L to me!"

If I can lose just 20 pounds... then I'll be down to the weight I never thought I'd be able to get up to!

Raining cats and dogs today... Stepping into many poodles as I'm walking towards the bus stop.

Why do so may people like bananas? Well you have to admit, they have a peel.

A pessimist is someone who, when opportunity knocks, complains about the noise.

A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate." "Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time." "And that, my master, is fate?" "Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."

Frankenstein and Count Dracula had a boxing match scheduled in which they were going to throw the fight. This was so Dracula could win in order to pay off a debt to the mafia. Frankenstein was heavily favored and the mafia were betting on him so they could increase the debt Dracula owed and further put pressure on him. The bell rung and out came the two combatants. Not ten seconds went by when Frankenstein hit the mat. "Would you look at that," said one spectator. "Frankenstein was barely touched and now he's lying on his back." "Dracula is dancing the victory dance around him!" yelled another. "The referee's already up to 8." "This looks highly suspicious to me," said a third. "I think Frankenstein's down for the Count!"

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

Three houses are next to each other. A red house is on the left. A blue house is on the right. Where's the white house? In Washington DC!

I told my friend that my wife and I had a huge argument and she left for the Caribbean. "Jamaica?" he asked. "No," I replied, "she went of her own accord."

I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75!

While taking the garbage out the other day, I lifted up a pretty heavy bag of trash and threw my back out. I had to drive all the way to the dump to retrieve it.

What do you call a Broadway production performed on a huge scrabble board? A play on words!

I like to smoke whenever and wherever I want. When someone tells me no smoking allowed, I tell them, "No problem, I'll smoke quietly then."

I really hate drug tests, they really piss me off... But once urine the system...

What did Mike Tyson's parents say when he told them that he wanted to be a boxer? "Go ahead, knock yourself out!"