Jokes

A good time to keep your mouth shut... is when you're in deep water!

Why is it that everyone is so worn out on April 01? They have just endured a March of 31 days!

"Well, what seems to be the problem?" asked the clock repair man. "It's my grandfather clock. It used to go tic toc, tic toc, tic toc. Now, it just goes tic, tic, tic, tic, tic," replied the young lady. "Hmmm, I think I can fix this," he says. He opens the door on the clock, looks at it, and then says to the lady, "Don't worry, we have ways of making it toc!"

If it's "I before E, except after C", then shouldn't Albert Einstein be Albert Ienstien?

I must be following my diet too closely... Because I keep gaining on it.

Do you know what I heard? Sheep.

What did the one mirror say to the other mirror? It's all done with people.

How did the Dermatologist and the Dentist afford their new mansion? By the skin of their teeth.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend... Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I was visiting a monastery recently and I saw a sign that read, "In case of fire, break vow of silence."

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?" The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

Sign at the towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg, we just want tows!"

I worked at Starbucks, but had to quit... I quit because it was the same old grind.

I got a job in a workout center, but they quickly let me go... They said I wasn't fit for the job.

Definition of a scale: Right-of-Weigh

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canadian, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Pollack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat, and a Panamanian go to a fancy bar... The bouncer says: "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."

I am not short... I'm just more down to earth than other people.

I wanted to tell you a joke about boxing, but I forgot the punchline.

Did you hear about the two robbers who were arrested for stealing a calendar? They both got six months!

I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Morty and Saul are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul, a banker, says to Morty, "Listen, Morty, I should probably tell you, I don't swim so well." Morty, who worked as a lifeguard when he was younger, begins tugging and pulling on Saul, helping him float towards shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks, "Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul looks at Morty and then replies, "This is a heck of a time to be asking for money!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend-dental medication.

I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Did you hear? Chef Careless was arrested for assault. He was caught whipping the cream and beating the eggs!

I tried being a tailor, but wasn't suited for it... Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

I used to work in the woods as a lumberjack... But just couldn't hack it... So they gave me the ax!

Q: What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet? A: "Supplies!"

A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

So, how do you get down off this elephant? You don't. You get down off a goose.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's table? Why, Sir-Cumference, of course!