Jokes

What is at the end of everything? The letter 'G'.

The guy who invented the Systane eye drops had his funeral today... There wasn't a dry eye in the house!

Homeowner: "Why don't you ever mop the floor?" Cleaning Lady: "I'm sorry ma'am, but it's beneath me."

A guy went to court for a seat belt ticket... It was an open-and-shut case.

Can you name the favorite game of horses? Stable tennis!

Two students were driving on the highway. Just outside the city limits they saw a sign: "Clean Restrooms." By the time they got to their destination, they'd cleaned 147 public restrooms.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring... The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel I've dyed a little inside.

If you replace 'W' with 'T' in "What, Where and When..." You get the answer to each of them.

I just stepped on a Cornflake... Now I am officially a cereal killer.

Which current is used in Washington? Why DC (Direct Current) of course!

"Walter, if you are going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?" "Three days of steady drinking should do it," was Walter's reply.

Claudia had just moved into a new apartment complex and was checking out her mailbox in the hallway. The postman was just arriving and she curiously asked him, "Which slot is for 'outgoing mail'?" The postman paused and replied, "Oh, that one that isn't bashful."

Computers used to be user-friendly... Now they are just downright flirtatious!

The other day I was in a hurry to go outside... In my haste I ran into the screen door and strained myself!

Where do vehicles go during the summer? To the carpool!

Jack: "Do you know how long fish should be cooked?" Jill: "Probably the same as short fish."

What do cows listen to on their headphones? Moo-sic!

"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59." "Why is that?" "Because I like that one to one time.”

Guy 1: "Hey, have you met my vegetarian girlfriend?" Guy 2: "Nah, I've never met herbivore."

What type of organization is atheism? It's a non-prophet organization.

After becoming a pair, what did one shoe say to the other shoe? "Will you be my solemate?" The other shoe replies, "No, you're nothing but a heel!"

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island... But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian!

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Not all guys are cheaters... Some of them are lions, tigers, pumas, etc.

The biggest and roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference... Apparently he acquired his size from too much pi.

"What is your definition of 'Normal'?" "It's nothing but a setting on your dryer."

I am at one... with my duality.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Blessed are the censors! They shall inhibit the earth.

A young deer in the woods learned to use all four hooves equally well... He was known to be bambidextrous.