Jokes

This sailor fell off the crows nest on a sailing ship and fell trough the first deck and the second deck of the ship. The captain went up to the sailor and asked if he was all right. "I am all right," said the sailor. "I have been through hardships before."

There was once a police atom who ran into a suspect atom. As they looked at each other the police atom said, "I've got my ion you!"

A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says: “Uno, dos....”*POOF!!* He disappeared without a tres.

If slim and fat are opposites... Then how come “slim chance” and “fat chance” are similar?

Doctor: Your DNA is backwards. Me: And?

I dreamt I was drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night... It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta-sea.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.

When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?" Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent." During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her packed lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned her an empty container. Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container?" "I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent."

I was offered a gig at the London Crematorium... I turned it down as I worried it would be dead audience.

My uncle, a courtroom artist, was arrested last night. At this posting, details are sketchy.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted...

Time wounds all heels.

Why do doctors' patients have no patients of their own? Because they have no patience.

My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting. We have since split up, it’s all water under the fridge.

Cindy is 5' 7" tall. She works in a butcher shop and wears size 7 shoes. What does Cindy weigh? Answer: Meat.

Why should you never mention the number 288 in a polite conversation? Because it’s too (two) gross!

Did you hear about the farmer who's cow fell on him during milking? He was in UDDER dismay!

Where do turtles go to get fuel? At the SHELL station!

What did the apple tree say to the hungry caterpillar? Leaf me alone.

If a young woman is in court for stealing... Is that a miss-trial?

If more than one mouse is mice... Does that mean more than one spouse is spice?

I always tense up when coming to a speed bump... But I am getting over it.

How does Bigfoot tell time? With a Sasq-watch.

What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod!

Why did the girl spread peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam!

Old mathematicians never die... They just lose some of their functions.

Why do chicken coups have only two doors? Because if they had four doors, they would be a sedan!

Why is the nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter!

If tin whistles are made of tin... Exactly what are fog horns made out of? 

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum. Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck." The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"