Jokes

What do you call someone who gets mad when they run out of bread? LACK TOAST INTOLERANT.

Why did the farmer put GPS on his spice rack? Because he couldn't keep track of the thyme.

A grandpa, who was turning 72, and his granddaughter, who was turning 7, had their birthdays on the same day. The granddaughter told her grandpa that he was a lot older then her. Being older and wiser he said “No, we are the same age.” She said, “But grandpa, I am only seven. What number are you?” He replied, “Yes you are, and I am only seven too!”

Put the ant into water... If the ant sinks, it's a girl ant... If the ant floats, then it's a "buoy-ant"!

What did the bra say to the hat?? You go on ahead, I will give these two a lift.

What did the cobbler say when a cat wondered into his shop? SHOE!

Two mountaineers reached a huge, deep fissure in a glacier. "Careful here," says one of them. "My mountain guide fell down there last year." "I bet you felt bad about that," says the other. He quipped, "Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages."

Age is a question of mind over matter... If you don’t mind, it doesn't matter.

So grateful somebody invented window blinds... Or it would be curtains for all of us!

How come nailing something down is good... But screwing something up is bad?

As a kid I wanted to be an astronaut... But my parents always said, "The sky's the limit!"

"Why did you name your pig Ink?" "Because it kept running out of the pen."

Traveler: "Will this path take me to the main road?" Stranger: "No, you will have to go by yourself."

Which country left quickly? Iran

Sign on a maternity room door... "Push, Push, Push!"

If 'I' comes before 'E', except after' C'.... Then how come SCIENCE disproves it?

Tonight I’m gonna have possum soup made from Himalayan possum... Because I found Himalayan on the road.

I'm terrified of elevators... I'm taking steps to avoid them.

A bike in town keeps running over me... It's a vicious cycle!

Which is it again, is it the right to bear arms? Or the right to arm bears?

I wish everyone were like entrepreneurs... They mind their own business.

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It's two gross!

What does a dolphin say when he’s confused? Can you please be more Pacific!

She was only a whisky maker... But he loved her still!

A sign outside of a hotel read: "Help! We need inn-experienced people!"

How do fish find jobs? They look in the Kelp Wanted section.

What the worst thing about a party on the moon? You have to PLANET.

What US state has the most metal? Florida, it has a panhandle on top and keys on the bottom.

What bugs the man on the moon most? Lunar-tics!

Typists are very important people. They are key employees.