Jokes

Do you know why potatoes are never single in a bag? Because they have a lot of buds.

Do you know what would happen if Satan lost all of his hair? There would be HELL TOUPEE!

I moved into a new neighborhood and put up an electric fence. The next morning i found out my neighbor was dead against it.

What did the volcano say to the earth? What else, "I lava you!"

What should you do if a group of Clowns attack you? Go for the juggler!

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath." The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?" She replied, "No, just up to my chin."

Why was the absent minded lawyer thrown out of court? He forgot his law suit.

Sigmund Freud gave his lady friend some Lingerie for Christmas... It was a Freudian slip.

A participant in a duel showed up armed with a pencil and paper. He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

What do you call Clark Kent when he's very running late? Super-delayed!

When I was growing up I had an imaginary color... But it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.

I hear the world tongue-twister champion has been found guilty of cheating... Apparently they're going to give him a really hard sentence.

What do cows put in their coffee? Calf-n-calf!

A man was arrested by the police after he stole his neighbor's clothes straight from the clothesline... He claimed he was doing online shopping.

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens? What else, a chicken tender!

When I was a kid we had a game of trying to catch fireflies... We called it HIDE-AND-GLOW-SEEK.

When the father found out his boy was not doing well in school, he told the teacher how bright his boy is. She asked how can you say he is bright when he is doing do badly in school. He replied, "Of course he's bright, he is my little son!"

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill!

How is the alphabet different on Christmas from every other day? There’s No-el.

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

A girl in our office, from South American, is always in a hurry... We call her URGENT-TINA.

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son." "Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

How do you reference a bear with no socks? BARE-FOOT!

What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry!

Have you ever seen a carpenter bite his nails?

Did you hear about the two bed bugs that met in a mattress? They got married in spring.

One raindrop said to another... "Two's company, three's a cloud!"

Why do people way up north wash their laundry IN TIDE? Because it's too cold OUT TIDE!

My brother worked at a muffler shop, but he had to quit... He was too exhausted.

A baby camel was born at the zoo last week and the poor thing had no hump... So they named him Humphrey.