Jokes

What do you call an elephant in the North Pole? Very lost!

I was flying between Toronto and Ottawa. It's only a 9 minute flight and so, to save money, I flew with a small airline in a little, twin-engine plane. About two minutes into the flight the pilot announced that we were going to have to turn back due to some engine trouble. The nervous passenger I was seated next to turned to me and said, "If we lose an engine, how far do you think the other one will take us?" I told him, "One engine? Oh, I'm sure it'll take us all the way to the scene of the crash. We'll probably make good time too. I bet we beat the paramedics there by at least a half hour."

I was visiting the grandkids out of state and one asked if I liked riding "ON" the airplane. It makes me wonder how little Bobby knew I didn't have the money to by a ticket and had to hang on the tail section during the trip?

Why was Peter Pan banned from using any Airline? Because if he got on a plane, it would Never-Never-land.

As the plane approached the runway for takeoff, the pilot came on the overhead speakers... "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome! We are third in line for takeoff, but don't worry, I think I can beat'em."

Arriving at the airport my buddy looked visibly shaken. I asked him, "Are you okay? What's the matter?" Looking bewildered, he replied, "It'll pass. Every time I have to fly, I get a terminal illness."

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles. In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy. They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't. The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve PEANUTS on this flight."

I don't always ride in passenger jets but when I do I buy a first class ticket... The thing is, flying scares me but in first class they hand out free "bravery beverages"!

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep. No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

Owner of a aircraft manufacturing company stopped by the aircraft testing airfield to check on the newest test pilot. He asked the supervisor how the new guy was doing. "Terrible! He has already crashed four planes this week!" Owner replied, "How is this possible? Where did he work before coming here?" Supervisor said, "He designed Windows software for Microsoft."

Why do they have frosted glass on airplane toilet windows? Who's going to look in at thirty thousand feet!

The first-time flier was very nervous as he buckled his seat belt before takeoff. He turned to the woman in the next seat and asked, "About how often do jetliners like this crash?" She thought a moment and replied, "Usually, just once."

An aircraft had been waiting on the tarmac for a big thunder storm to pass and the passengers were getting impatient . The pilot made repeated apologies for the delay but it didn't sooth the angry travelers. Finally the pilot buzzed the intercom and made this announcement, "Would you rather be down here wishing you were up there, or up there wishing you were down here?"

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. "The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m." "Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked. The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?" "No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

I took my family to visit the AIR & SPACE museum... But there was nothing there!

A couple took a puddle-jumping flight with 4 stops on the way to Dallas. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane's wing. Wife: "What's that truck doing?" Husband: "We're taking on more fuel." The refueling process was repeated at the next two stops as well. At the last stop before Dallas: Husband: "Ya know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time." Wife (pointing out the window): "Maybe -- but that little white truck is keeping up with us!"

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again. "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

I try not to think about this too much, but somewhere out there, flying the friendly skies, is the world's WORST pilot.

After boarding and taking off for a long flight over the ocean, the speaker comes on with an important message for passengers. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are introducing you today to the latest and newest aviation advancement in history. This plane is flying without a pilot or co-pilot. It is controlled by way of radio from the ground. Sit back and relax and enjoy your flight. Be assured that absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong. ~~~~~~~~~~"

It was mealtime during an airline flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

"This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me, the copilot, and one of the stewardesses. This is a recording."

Two skydivers, Harold and Lester, jumped out of the plane and were having a conversation on the way down. Lester: "I was in a hurry this morning, and I can't remember if I asked you to pack my chute for me." Harold: "I've been pretty forgetful myself. I'm lucky I remembered to pack mine." Lester: "Wait a minute. You mean I forget to ask you to pack my chute for me?" Harold: "No, silly. You didn't forget to ask me to pack your chute. I'm the one who actually forgot to pack your chute!" Lester: "Phew! Thank goodness, for a minute there I thought I was losing my mind!"

What kind of sandwiches do they serve in the airline lounge? Club Sandwiches

A plane is on its final approach into an airport. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Captain Martin. We're now on our final descent. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay." He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, what are you doing today?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well," says the captain, "first I'm going to check into the hotel and brush my teeth. Then I'm going to ask the new stewardess out for dinner." Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, an elderly lady grabs her by the arm to stop her, leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gotta brush his teeth first."

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied. “And what about Salt Lake City?” “We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said “but there is a stopover.” “Where?” “In Denver,” she said.

The young and not so bright new pilot was learning to fly a helicopter. After two hours of great flying, she crashed. When asked by crash investigator what happened, she said, "I got cold so I turned off the fan."

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in from angry wives asking, "What trip?"

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

I was inspecting a communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said. "He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said. As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented. "No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time." "How can you tell?" I asked. "Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."