Jokes

In a class room exam, John was peeping into the answer sheet of his neighbor. The teacher shouted, “No cheating John!” John replied, “I am not cheating. I am copying. There is a difference!”

A teacher was telling her class about plant names that have the word "dog" in them, such as dog-rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the preface "dog". Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure Miss Jones. How about a 'collie' flower?"

When I was 28, I was teaching English to high school freshmen. Fridays were dress-down days. One Friday I came to school wearing a college sweatshirt and jeans. A student took a look at me and his eyes widened. “Wow!” he said. “You should wear jeans every day, you look twenty or thirty years younger.”

On my first day teaching remedial English to inmates, I was very nervous to be in a prison classroom. My students seemed uncomfortable as well, many of them hadn’t been near a classroom in decades. I began class by nervously asking, “Who can tell me what a sentence is?” The class burst out laughing. That broke the ice.

TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Well, because class started before I got here.

Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: Okay, but I asked first!

Teacher: “What is the difference between ‘Tea’ and ‘Tee’? Student: "The first one is a drink and the second is an incorrect spelling."

Teacher : Which is the oldest animal? Student : The zebra. Teacher : How come? Student : Because it's still in black & white.

Teacher: "Class, in this final exam, everybody should get at least 75% marks." Student: "We are all trying for 100% sir!" Teacher: "Are you being serious?" Student: "Well, no sir. But it was you who cracked a joke first."

TEACHER: Did your parents help with the homework John? JOHN: Nope, I got them wrong all by myself.

There was a teacher who was shouting at his class because they were being lazy. "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you failed this math class," he said. One of the kids rasies his hand, "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.

To make his class interesting, an English language teacher asked a grade 3 student to challenge him in an English test. The student wrote this word on the classroom board, SIDANDTED, and asked his teacher to explain its meaning. The teacher looked at the word for some time and even searched for its meaning in the dictionary. After several minutes of his research, he gave up and asked his student to explain the meaning. The student simply said, “They are my friends, Sid and Ted.”

During a test, the college professor noticed that a married student, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, the teacher asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side." "Oh, I'm fine," the student answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," the professor said, feeling relieved. "Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class too."

I was taking a stand-up comedy class but I had to quit... My teacher was making me feel funny.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.

The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, “What trait do you think I passed on to my children?” One student called out, “Wrinkles!”

As a kid, parent-teacher conferences were embarrassing and awkward for me and my parents. My teacher made my parents write on the blackboard one hundred times, "We will not have any more children."

Melissa went up to her college professor, ready to contest the grade she received in the class. "I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper? After staring at her with a blank look, the professor responded. "Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation."

I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites." "Why thank you," I replied. Then he concluded with, "You were mean to everyone.”

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now ...

The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears. "Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes." "Did it hurt?" "Just a little." "Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun." Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

"Frank, if you have 20 dollars and Bill takes away 14. What would you have?” said the teacher. "A fight!” answers Frank.

A Student wanting to measure something asks his teacher, "Sir, do you have a ruler?" "Yes," answers the teacher, "She's at home watching the kids."

Father: Why did you get such a low score in that exam? Son: Absence. Father: You were absent on the day of the exam? Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

Son: Daddy, I got punished in school today. Dad: Why? Son: My teacher pointed the scale towards me saying, "At the end of this scale there is an idiot.". I just asked "Which end?".

Teacher, "Martha, come to the blackboard and tell us on the world map where America is." Martha point to America correctly. Teacher, "Good. Now John, you tell us who discovered America" John, "Martha just did"

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit. Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son.“ “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,'" or “that’s Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."