Jokes

I had always prided myself on being an "on time" person. One morning I overslept and rushed around getting ready for Sunday school. As I ran out the door, my husband tried to say something. "What?" I called back. "Don't slow me down, I'm late!" "No you're not," he responded. "It's Saturday."

Teacher: Clyde, your composition about “My dog” is exactly like your brothers. Did you copy this? Clyde: No sir. It’s the same dog.

Kid: Did you hear that there is a report of snew tomorrow. Teacher: What's snew? Kid: Nothing much, what's snew with you?

My history teacher gave me an “F” for a final grade. When I asked her why she failed me she said, “I didn’t fail you. You failed yourself.” I said, “In that case, I think I’m going to change my grade.”

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the test." There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said. "You all get 'A's."

After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years ... a literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose. He ambled over to the lectern, took out a paper, and began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..." I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student behind me whispered, "Slow down... he's just taking attendance."

In a very exclusive private school near California's Silicon Valley, a third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper high-class students about the less fortunate. She asked them each to write an essay about a poor family in the area. One young girl's paper began: "Once upon a time there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The nannies were poor. The pool man was poor. The personal trainer was poor. The gardeners were poor. This was a very poor family."

Today we’re going to study about growing a garden. Take out your weeding books. Today we’re going to study pigs. Does everyone has a pen? Today I am going to put a new spin on computer learning. Take out your lap tops. Today we’re going to talk about death. And this will be on your final exam.

Teacher: "What's the difference between 'He cleans the plate' and 'The plate is cleaned by him'?" Student: "In first sentence he is not married, but in second sentence he is married!"

Teacher: "John, what's the matter? Why are you looking so upset?" John: "My dad is in police station and my mom is in hospital!" Teacher: "Oh God! Please go home!" The principal happened to see John leave. He asks the teacher, "Where's John heading to?" Teacher: "I permitted him to go home because his dad is in police station and mom is in hospital." Principal: "His dad is a cop and his mom is a nurse... where else they would be?"

Teacher: "When I was of your age, I learned very quickly and was not as slow as you are." Student: "Wow, you must have had a good teacher then, didn't you?"

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit. "Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting written on your palm?" "Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes," the pupils said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little boy shouted, "It's because your feet aren't empty."

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were dumb to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. You had your choice of papers for an A-grade, B-grade, and C-grade. A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than her assignment, went to the bank and took out a paper for a C-grade. She went home, retyped it, and handed it in. In due time she received it back with the grade of an 'A'. The professor left the following comment, "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have received an A, so now I am glad to give it one."

Teacher: "What's the chemical formula for carbon-dioxide?? Student: "COCO." Teacher: "COCO? What do you mean, COCOC?" Student: "Well, you said in the last class that's it CO two."

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he's not cheating on his exams."

While studying the occult, a teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?" His response was, "My mother can." The teacher replied, "Really?" The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

"Our topic for today is photosynthesis," began the professor. She looks at the class, points to John and asks, "What is photosynthesis?" John replies, "Photosynthesis is our topic today!"

Teacher: "Okay class, what is the value of Pi?" Student: "Well, it's not an exact number but usually it's around $12.99."

Ever wonder what the definition of MATH is? M... Mental A... Abuse T... To H... Humans

Teacher: If you have 10 muffins and your friend asks for 2 of them, how many muffins would you have left? Me: 10 Teacher: Okay, let me try again. You have 10 muffins. What if your friend takes 2 of your muffins, how many would you have left? Me: Still 10 muffins... and 1 injured friend.

Me: "Oh God, please save me!" God: "Would you prefer as a JPEG file or a PDF file?"

Teacher: "Define energy." Johnny: "I don’t remember the complete definition but I remember the last few words." Teacher: "Ok, say the last few words then." Johnny: "... and this is called energy."

Teacher: "Hello, students! Can anyone tell me, what does the green dot on a 'Tiger Biscuit Packet' indicate? After a few seconds of silence, one student replies. "Hello, ma'am. The green dot means that the Tiger is 'Online'."

Teacher: "What is an OS? And give me an example." Student: "An OS is a word which can be used instead of saying 'Oh Yes'. For example, do you like ice cream? You can reply, ‘Oh, yes' or 'OS.' Teacher: "You may sit down now."

My 4th grade teacher used to complain to my mom about my poor hand writing. I tried hard for years, only in vain, to continuously get the feed back, "Try to improve your handwriting!" I am 25 now, working as a software professional for a company. I mailed her last week for thanking her for making me what I am now. She replied with a post script... "Please improve your handwriting!"

School teacher sends home a note with student. The note reads, ”Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.” Mother sends a note back the following day, ”Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem."

Teacher: "Today we are going to learn about tenses. Now if I say, 'I am beautiful', which tense is it?" Student: "Obviously that would be past tense!"

Q: How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Well, teachers don't really change a bulb, but they can help to make a dim one brighter.