Jokes

A hunting party is hopelessly lost. “I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!” one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader. “I am, “replied the guide. “But I think we’re in Canada now.”

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat? "No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

After Florida coach Steve Spurrior passes away and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Steve a little 2-bedroom house with a faded UF banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your home, Coach. Most people don't get their own house up here," God exclaims. Little Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. LSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge purple and gold LSU banner hanging between the marble columns. "Thanks for the home, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little 2 bedroom house with a faded Florida banner, and Nick Saban gets a mansion with new LSU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?" God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, "That's not Saban’s house, that's mine!!!!!"

Mike Tyson's new slogans: If you can't Fight Them ! Bite Them ! If you can't Beat Them ! Eat Them !

Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one. "Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole." "I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds." "The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out."

Preacher decides to skip Sunday services and go to the golf course to hit a few... When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself.. But he does have witnesses...Seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing.. "Look at that guy," Jesus says, "He should be in church instead of out there. C'mon, Dad, let me hit him with a lightning bolt or something." "No," God says, "I've something else in mind for him. Watch what happens when he makes his next shot." Guy sets up a ball, drives it off the tee-It sails 200 yards and lands squarely in the hole. "What kind of punishment is that, Dad?!" Jesus yells, "That has to be one of the greatest golf shots in history!!" "That's right, son, indeed it is....and because he's alone, he can't tell anyone about it."

At the first hole on a golf course, a man tees off and hits a hard drive, but the ball hooks badly and goes off the course entirely. The man figures it's a lost ball, puts another ball down and starts again. He plays nine holes when a policeman comes up to him: "Sir, did you lose a ball a while back?" "Yes, I did. Why?" "Well, sir, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. You see, your ball struck a cyclist, causing him to swerve right into the path of an oncoming bus. The bus hit the cyclist and then rammed head-on into a truck coming from the opposite direction. At the moment the casualties are twenty-one dead and we don't know how many injured." The man says, "Oh, this is dreadful!.... I ... I had no idea.... is there anything I can do?" "Well, sir, the next time you want to hold the club a little more to the right, like this..."

There is a guy who wants to go ice fishing, so he goes to the ice and cuts a hole in it. He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE." He leaves and goes to another spot on the ice. He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE." Baffled, the guy asks, "Is this God?" The voice responds, "No, this is the announcer!"

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top. "How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

A man playing golf by himself at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year for over 20 years, but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said, "but they all wanted to go to the funeral"

4 baseball fans want to show their teams that they're each the biggest fans in the world, so they decide to climb the biggest mountain they can find. The first one to the top is a Braves fan, and he says, "I'm the biggest fan in the world! This is for you Braves!" and he jumps off. The second one to the top is a Mets fan and he says, "I love you more than anything Mets, this is for you!" and he jumps off. The last 2 people who get to the top get there at the same time. One is a Red Sox fan and one is a Yankee fan. When they're both standing at the top together, the Red Sox fan says, "This one is for all baseball fans everywhere!" And the Red Sox fan pushes the Yankee fan off.

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. When the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. The warden asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.  So, the next morning the two men met at the boat dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"  Meanwhile, Sam set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the warden with these words, "Are ya gonna sit there all day complaining, or are ya going to fish?" 

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 season: The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers. In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey. The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals. Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Nah," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do anything,'" the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

A football coach had a star quarterback who was as dumb as a post. The only way the kid could stay on the team would be to pass all his classes, which was impossible. All his teachers agreed to go easy on him except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher to not fail the kid. The math teacher agreed to give the boy an oral exam which, if he passed, would count for class credit. The coach came to the exam to support his star athlete. The math teacher asked only one question for the exam: "What is two plus two?" "Four," the athlete answered. The football coach went into a panic and yelled, "Give him another chance! Just one more chance!"

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters. My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

Friend: "Hey can you help me get tickets for the new Star Wars movie?" Me: "Sure, I can lend you a Han!"

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come out before 1, 2, and 3? In charge of the release dates, Yoda was.

A man in a business suit was reading the paper on a crowded subway car yet no one sat within ten feet of him. A rather disheveled man sat down beside him and said, "I can tell the force is within you!" The well dressed man looked over the top of his reading glasses and replied, "No, actually it passed about five minutes ago."

What is Darth Vader favorite coffee? Dark Roast.

Darth Vader: I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke Skywalker: How would you know that? Darth Vader: I've felt your presence.

Q:: Is BB hungry? A: No, BB-8!

Father to his son: Do you know why I call your mother my Death Star? Because she makes my world explode! @dadjokehansolo

What kind of car does a Jedi drive? A Toy-YODA! @dadjokehansolo

What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate in his hair? A chocolate chip wookie.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 1, 2, and 3 come after Episodes 4, 5, and 6? In charge of the release dates, Yoda was.

Let the Wookiee win. While you're at it, let the Wookiee have the right of way in traffic. If they tip badly, do not complain. If the Wookiee does not return library books right on time, do not fine them. If they take food from your refrigerator, just let it go. Finally, if the Wookiee is your customer, remember that the customer is always right.

According to Chewbacca The Force Awakens coming soon to a Disney Theme Park near you.